Hayley
by CassidyTVNut
Summary: It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.
1. Chapter 1

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

All day today her hands had been shaking, her mind filled with 'what ifs' and 'could bes', full of her hopes and fears of the future. For today, she was a useless surgeon, her hands so unsteady that she couldn't even write without finding a way to jog herself.

'_Pull yourself together Jac!'_ she mentally yelled at herself.

'_Jesus Christ!'_ she thought to herself, '_I'm meant to be in theatre today with Connie Beauchamp. She's only just forgiven me for dropping her in it. I have to prove myself, and I can't do that with the hands of a Parkinson's patient!'_

Exhaling deeply, then inhaling just as deeply to maximise her oxygen intake, she slowly felt herself starting to relax, and her hands steadying.

Composing herself a little further, she visualised the thing she wanted the most. Him and her. Nothing or no one else. Just the two of them. But now, for 2 reasons, this wouldn't be a reality. But it didn't hurt to imagine, well, it did hurt her, it hurt her a lot, but it hurt less than her life without the fantasy.

Pulling on her scrubs, she repeated the mantra she had used since she was in medical school. _Nothing matters, except my career. Nothing matters, nothing matters, nothing matters. Nothing at all._ _Just push a little further, and make yourself the best._

Once she was ready, she scooped her hair into a bun and left the room, arriving at theatre slightly late, where a ticked off Connie Beauchamp stood before her.

'Miss Naylor,' said Connie with a stony tone. 'May I ask why you were late?'

'Sorry Mrs Beauchamp,' she said apologetically. 'I was just finishing up with Mr Davies.'

'Fine,' she replied sharply. 'Get scrubbed in, we'll be beginning soon.'

'Okay,' said Jac, pacing towards the sinks hurriedly, scrubbing her hands with a nail brush, and rinsing up to the elbow. Quickly covering herself with a robe, she pulled on the latex gloves, double gloving for optimum sterility.

Hastening into the theatre, she said, 'Okay, I'm ready. Shall we begin?'

'I'm impressed with your efficiency and speed,' said Connie with a grin. 'And yes, let's begin. Scalpel please.'

Jac handed her the scalpel, her hands still shaking.

'Miss Naylor,' said Connie sternly. 'Your hands are shaking! You cannot possibly do a high standard job today with hands so unsteady. Get out, go home and rest, you're obviously stressed. Sort yourself out, and come back tomorrow, without the jerky hands.'

'But...' said Jac pleading.

'No excuses! Just go!' yelled Connie, pointing to the door.

'Yes Mrs Beauchamp,' said Jac solemnly, leaving the room, throwing her gloves and gown in the bin in a huge angry gesture.

Gazing at her hands, still shaking, she said, 'STOP DOING THAT!'

Frustrated, angry and scared, Jac fled theatre, ran to the staff room to get her bag, then retreated to the toilet.

'_This is something I should've done as soon as I noticed,'_ thought Jac to herself, opening the box.

The longest 2 minutes of her life awaited her. Covering the little window that could potentially give her a life sentence of misery, she closed her eyes, and counted slowly, her lip trembling as if she was about to cry.

'_5, 4, 3, 2, 1, NOW!' _she thought to herself, but not opening her eyes. _'Come on Jac, open your eyes, it's now or never!'_

Trembling even more extremely than before, her hands moved so that she could see the result.

'Shit,' she said out loud, shoving the test in her bag, flushing quickly and uprooting herself, leaving the toilets.

Practically running to her car, she got into it and pressed her back against the seat. She couldn't believe what was happening.

One night. One stupid night, and now she was in this impossible position. One night of pure drunken passion, something she thought could be love one day, like it was before, has lead to all of this. This would ruin her life, her career, her figure. She had to do something about it.

She was going to be a Mum. And Joseph Byrne was going to be a Dad.


	2. Chapter 2

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

Quick AN: Bold Italic is flashback.

_One night. One stupid night, and now she was in this impossible position. One night of pure drunken passion, something she thought could be love one day, like it was before, has lead to all of this. This would ruin her life, her career, her figure. She had to do something about it._

_She was going to be a Mum. And Joseph Byrne was going to be a Dad._

Instantly, her mind dashed straight through the possibilities, every scenario she could think of mentally planned out, every outcome the same apart from one.

She was going to have to abort.

She couldn't do it, she couldn't ruin Joe's happiness. As far as Jac knew, he was happy with Faye, he was married to Faye. There was no choice in the matter, she simply couldn't do it.

Her eyes glazing over, she'd realised how much she had softened over the years. Well, well well, Jac Naylor had gone and got herself a conscience.

'_I've got to do it!'_ she said, arguing with herself. _'There is no way out. I can't hurt him again!'_

Starting up the car, for once she didn't have her motorbike, she set off home, her mind still burning with the questions, possibilities and the sheer reality of her situation.

And she found herself looking back. To the night that changed everything, and the morning she'd rather forget.

_**She found him at the bar, sad and alone, drinking red wine, the bottle beside him, getting to be half empty.**_

_**Pulling up a chair beside him, she sat down and began to pour a glass.**_

'_**Drinking alone?' she asked, continuing to pour.**_

'_**Not anymore it appears,' he replied glumly.**_

_**Finishing pouring his glass of wine, Jac started to pour her own. Placing the bottle down, she saw Joseph pick up his glass straight away.**_

_**Suspiciously, Joseph asked, 'So go on then, what do you want to know?' Swirling his wine glass slightly, he brought the goblet to his lips and took a long gulp, opening his throat for the alcohol he was so desperately seeking. 'Has she left me?'**_

_**Trying not to be harsh, Jac replied, 'I already asked you that, and you already made up a story.' Taking her wine, she sipped some of it.**_

'_**Well, yes and no,' he replied vaguely, drumming his fingers on the table nervously.**_

'_**Yes and no what?' she asked, partly confused, and partly wanting to get more out of him.**_

'_**Err,' he replied intermittently. 'Yes she has left me, and err, no she hasn't.' By this point, the alcohol in him was surfacing, giving him a partial drunken quality.**_

'_**I wouldn't drink anymore,' she said, slightly concerned for him, and moving the glass away from his reach.**_

_**Ignoring her and taking back his drink, Joseph said, 'The things women do. They string you along, just in case.' Realising that he may have touched a nerve on what had happened between them in the past, he came to a halt and began to change the subject. 'Anyway, I suppose you want me to thank you for, uh, covering for me today?'**_

'_**Absolutely,' she replied, partially cheery, playing with the glass. 'And saving your arse from Tammy Minard.'**_

_**Seeing the downtrodden look on his face as he took another gulp of wine, she said, 'Anyway, don't mention it, delighted. Anytime, whatever, it's sorted.' By now, she was trying to hint as subtly as she could that she'd always be there for him.**_

'_**Why?' he asked boldly, wanting to just come out and say it without shame.**_

'_**Why what?' she replied, trying to brush it off.**_

'_**What's in this for you?' he asked back. 'Well there's got to be something in it for you.'**_

'_**Well,' she said, coming up with an answer in her head. 'Maybe I just don't want you to suffer.' There was an element of honesty in her voice, making her that tiny bit believable, even though everyone knew her to speak in lies.**_

'_**Oh yeah?' he asked in surprise, not believing her. 'Well, you've been the cause of so much of it...'**_

_**Slightly hurt, she replied softly, 'Quite. Exactly. I'm consumed with guilt.' Even though he thought she was lying, deep inside she was actually wracked with guilt at what she did to him, how she broke his heart.**_

_**Turning around and looking back at her, he gave her a small smile, and smiling in return, she said, 'I am.' Picking up the bottle, she began to top up their glasses. 'Deep down, I am.'**_

_**Looking down at his glass, he asked bluntly, 'Are you trying to get me pissed?'**_

_**Seeing this as a blatant fact that he was, because he'd never use the term pissed, she said, 'Look, I'm not hitting on you, okay in the absence of your fiancée if that's what you're thinking. Don't flatter yourself.' It was true, she wasn't trying to hit on him, it wasn't right.**_

'_**I didn't say it,' he said, drinking.**_

'_**I'm just trying to show concern if that's alright,' she said sharply.**_

'_**Whatever,' he replied, going back to his drink.**_

'_**Yeah,' she said, picking hers up too.**_

_**He looked away from her, then back towards her with a smile.**_

_**Later on, after god knows how many bottles they had shared, Jac said, 'You know what I think? This has nothing to do with you being a father.**_

_**Picking up the bottle, Joseph filled up her glass.**_

_**Continuing, Jac said, 'If the relationship works, and if you love someone, then what does it matter?'**_

_**Filling up his glass and placing the bottle back down on the bar, Joseph said, 'What would you know about that?'**_

_**Looking up at him as he moved the bottle, and there being a short silence, she replied, 'Zilch.' But she was lying, because she had known love before, a love with him. 'Zero, nada. But that doesn't stop me assuming a position arguing it though, does it?'**_

'_**So life is an intellectual exercise, an emotional puzzle, right?' he asked her. As she nodded, he said, 'You know what? This is exactly what I was talking about earlier with Daisha.'**_

'_**What's that?' she replied.**_

_**Raising his eyebrows, Joseph said, 'Oh just men are more emotional...'**_

'_**Yeah absolutely,' exclaimed Jac.**_

'_**Trusting, easier to manipulate,' said Joseph as a continuation of before, cutting Jac deeply as she knew that he was talking about their relationship.**_

'_**Yeah but you must like a challenge Joseph you must do!' said Jac. 'Women with a past, a bit of edge, something amiss, a bit dangerous...'**_

'_**Women with thorns,' he said, finishing her trail of thought.**_

'_**Poetry?' she asked. 'I'm flattered, really.'**_

_**As he looked up at her, there was a long pause, but for once between them, it was not awkward.**_

'_**If you don't suffer,' said Jac. 'You don't feel life.'**_

'_**Are you talking about me or you?' he asked, as if sensing her thoughts.**_

_**Running her hands through her hair and leaning on her arm she said, 'Both of us really. And that's why I understand you, and you understand me.'**_

'_**I never understood a thing about you,' admitted Joseph. 'You are a mystery...Do you know what I really want?'**_

_**Rolling her eyes, she said, 'You said, a baby.'**_

_**Shaking his head, he said, 'Nope.'**_

_**Rolling her eyes again, she replied, 'Gosh you're so fickle. What then?'**_

_**Licking his lips and moving closer to her, he said, 'I want an uncomplicated relationship.'**_

'_**That's a poor lonely hearts page,' she said. 'And what would you do if you had this mythical uncomplicated woman?'**_

'_**If she was honest, honourable and faithful, I would never let her go,' he disclosed quietly.**_

_**Looking into his eyes, she turned away and said, 'Fat chance!'**_

_**The both of them smiled and drank their wine.**_

'_**You know,' said a getting drunker Jac. 'You know, Faye is a wise woman, honestly. You both just need some clarity, am I right?'**_

'_**She needs clarity, I don't,' stated Joseph harshly.**_

'_**Yeah,' said Jac. 'You just someone that will give you kids and stay at home washing their grubby faces. No wonder she needs some space to think about it.'**_

_**Looking up, Joseph sat up and went to talk to Linden, while Jac contemplated her wine glass.**_

_**As Joseph left, Jac scooped up her bag and followed him.**_

_**She found him in the flat, listening to the radio and drinking more wine.**_

'_**I just wanted to make sure you're okay,' she said softly as he picked up his keys. Deciding that there was no time like the present, she said, 'I've got something to tell you. I'm not trying to force anything, but you know, don't you? As well as I do. I just don't want to walk around that anymore. I wanted to say that.'**_

_**He just sat there and looked at her. After an awkward silence, he pulled her into a hug, and found Jac crying into his shirt about how relieved she was that everything was out in the open. He found himself pressing his lips to hers, and enjoying it as it grew more passionate, his arms around her waist. His mind was totally on her, and he was loving it.**_

_**Taking her hand, he lead her to the bedroom, wanting to relish every moment that she was by his side.**_

_**The next morning, she wanted to forget. He had forgotten everything important about their night together, and thought that she was Faye. Running home, she buried herself in her pillow and wept, Joseph Byrne did not love her.**_

Snapping out of her daydream, she realised that she was home, and had got their on autopilot. Parking the car outside, she sat there for a second, and realised a few things.

1. She couldn't tell Joseph. It would ruin his marriage. It was 100% clear that he was devoted to Faye rather than her.

2. She couldn't get rid of Joseph's baby. It was half of him and half of her, and it would be walking and talking. She was going to have this baby in secret, raise them in secret, and keep their existence in the dark from their father.


	3. Chapter 3

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

Today, Jac was officially 12 weeks pregnant, and on her way to her first scan.

She couldn't wait to see her little baby on the screen, to hear his or her heartbeat, to hold that picture of them in her hand, to carry it with her for the rest of her pregnancy, to keep the picture and show it to them when they were older.

A lot of things had changed in the past month. She had really came around to the idea of being a Mum to Joseph's child. But what scared her most was giving birth. She had recorded some birthing shows on her Sky +, and after watching them, she found her head down the toilet, puking her guts up. That she could not attribute to morning sickness.

In fact, her morning sickness had died down a bit, making it a lot less suspicious to the people that she worked with. There was only so long that you could feign a stomach bug to medical professionals.

Sitting in the waiting room, she held her hand to her little bump in her previously flat stomach and patted slightly.

As she did this, she noticed a woman next to her smile and say, 'Your first?'

'Yeah,' said Jac. 'Wait a second, how did you know?'

'You can tell,' replied the woman. 'You seem in awe of the whole process.'

'Yup, that's right,' replied Jac.

'So is your partner running late?' she asked.

'He's....at work,' replied Jac glumly. 'How about yours?'

She replied, 'He quickly ran to the water machine for me, he's an angel like that.'

'You're very lucky,' said Jac, meaning every word. Oh how she'd kill for Joseph to be there beside her.

'So, I'm Lydia, what's your name?' she asked.

'Jac,' she replied softly.

'Jacqueline Naylor,' called out the assistant.

'That is me,' she said, getting up and leaving. 'Sorry Lydia, I'll have to be off.'

'That's no problem,' she said merrily. 'Oh, and by the way, nothing matches up to seeing your baby on that screen for the first time. I should know, this is my 5th.'

'Now you truly have my respect,' said Jac, moving into the consulting room.

'Miss Naylor,' said the consultant, shaking her hand. 'I am Dr Temple.'

'Hi,' she said in reply, returning her handshake. She noticed that this woman was very friendly, and had her hair neatly placed into a practical bun. She was not like the Connie Beauchamp's of the world, obsessed with appearance, she seemed genuinely very down to earth.

'First of all, are there any questions you wish to ask about this whole process?' she asked, moving her glasses slightly back up her nose.

'When I reach 5 months,' said Jac quietly. 'Is it okay if I take a copy of my medical records? I'm planning to move away, and give birth in Ireland.'

'And why would that be?' she asked gently.

'It's complicated,' said Jac quietly.

'Care to explain,' she asked in reply, offering Jac a seat.

Sitting down, Jac said, 'The baby's father is an ex boyfriend of mine. He's getting married. I don't want to ruin his marriage before it's even began, so I'm going to work until I show, move to Ireland, give birth, come back and carry on as nothing has happened.'

'You seem to have it all planned,' she said.

'I do,' replied Jac. 'I can't be selfish.'

'Okay,' replied Dr Temple. 'How about you lie down on the bed, and we'll show you your baby?'

'I'd like that very much,' said Jac with a genuine smile, sitting down on the bed, lying down, resting her head, and lifting her top up slightly, showing her miniscule little bump.

'First off, you have the perfect sized bump for 12 weeks,' said Dr Temple. 'Just what we'd be expecting. Are you eating well?'

'Like a horse,' said Jac. 'I just follow my cravings, because then I know what the baby needs. Lots of fruit, lots of vegetables and the odd bizarre curry craving at 3am.'

Chuckling, Dr Temple placed the gel on Jac's stomach, and put the Doppler to her skin, moving it around. Straight away, the sound of mellifluous heartbeat filled the room.

Looking at the screen, Dr Temple said, 'Good size, strong heartbeat, no abnormalities, and you are due on the 29th of June judging from the measurements, your time estimation was right on the money.'

Gazing lovingly at the screen, Jac said, 'I can't believe that's inside of me. They're so tiny, and in 6 months, they'll be here.'

'Believe it,' replied Dr Temple, printing off the picture and wiping Jac's stomach clean from the gel. 'Here you go,' she said, handing the picture to her.

'Thank you so much Dr Temple,' said Jac.

'It's no problem,' she replied. 'See you in 2 months for the next one.'

'You sure will,' said Jac with a smile, picking up her bag and leaving the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

Not seeing the point of going back to work, Jac drove straight home, her ultrasound picture in her pocket and a smile on her face.

Getting home, she threw on a pair of joggers and a baggy t-shirt, desperate for the comfort that they offered.

Going into her kitchen, she contemplated what to have for lunch. Roaming through her cupboards and her fridge, she decided on a massive stirfry, with Szechuan sauce, chicken, mangetout, corn, beansprouts, mushrooms and noodles. Heaven in a bowl to her.

She laughed at the thought that she was actually cooking. Never a great cook, Jac just ate out frequently, and ate a lot of takeaways, or made food that didn't required cookery skill to make, like a salad. But since she found out she was pregnant, she had learnt some basics, determined to give her baby good wholesome food.

Putting on the kettle, she made herself some green herbal tea, letting it brew.

Once her food was all ready and her tea sufficiently brewed, she served them up on a tray, and went into the front room. Sitting on her sofa, she placed the tray on a nearside table and began to eat happily, knowing that her little baby was getting what it wanted, what it needed.

Finishing the last mouthful of her stirfry, which could've easily fed 3 people, she started to clear away. Sitting back down, she put her hand to her stomach, stroking it softly, then looked down at her tiny bump.

'Hello baby,' she said quietly. 'I'm your Mummy. Sorry you had to end up with me, but I'm going to try really hard to be a good Mummy to you, I promise. I've never been the nicest person in the world, but I am trying to change. And it's all because of you. You, my little embryo, are trying to teach me how to be a better person, and I'm taking up all the lessons that you can give me. Because, all I ever used to think about was myself, where my career was going, what I was going to do, I never thought about other people.'

She fell silent for a little while, then said sombrely. 'Like your Daddy. He's a good man, you're very lucky to share his genes. He's tall, has dark hair, he's handsome, has the most gorgeous blue eyes, the smartest man I know. He can be really funny sometimes, and is a real gentleman. He made me feel like a princess, when my personality was more like the wicked witch or the toad. He brought out the best in me, so with a bit of luck, if you take after him, you'll make me a better person too. I hope so.'

She fell silent yet again, contemplating what to say. 'You never know,' she said. 'By the time you're born, you might have a stepmum. Your daddy's getting married to another woman called Faye. She's attractive, I guess, mysterious, but the one thing your daddy can't live with is secrets, so I'm thinking that their marriage is doomed to fail because of the amount of secrets she's kept from him already. But Faye's okay, I guess, I'm just jealous, because I love your daddy, I really do.'

She paused yet again. 'I love your daddy. There's no doubt about that. I wonder if you'll grow up to be like him. I wonder, will I be at your university graduation as you pass your medical degree? Will you be a doctor like us? Or will you find a different career path? I don't care whatever road you go down career wise, as long as you're happy with your choice.'

Smiling and imagining into the future, she stopped again. 'We're going to be moving to Ireland for a little while in a couple of months. Don't hate me for keeping you a secret, because I love you, and I love your Dad. I'm just trying to do the right thing.'

Giving her stomach a little pat, she sat up, and started to choose a DVD.

'Ghost with Patrick Swayze,' she said quietly, putting on. 'The film we watched on our second date.'


	5. Chapter 5

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

A month had passed, and Jac was now in her 4th month of pregnancy. All morning sickness had vanished, and she was feeling so much happier and healthier.

She had known for a whole 2 months that her baby was here, and there was so much more to come. Excitement overwhelmed her at what was to come, but extreme anguish at having to raise her little baby alone, without Joe by her side.

'Come on then baby,' she said to her ever-expanding waistline that housed her unborn child. 'Come and help mummy choose what to wear for work.'

Opening her wardrobe, she sighed. All of those beautiful clothes, and hardly any of them fitting.

'I can't complain,' said Jac, stroking her belly again. 'As long as you're growing properly, I will happily wear a bin bag to work.'

Reaching into the back of her wardrobe, she found a selection of clothing that she had bought a few days ago from a Maternity shop in the city. She found it quite an experience, to say the least, and grimaced at the floral monstrosity that she held in her hands, and the elasticised trousers.

Deciding that was better than the seams of her clothing bursting during her shift. Now that incident would take some explaining.

Quickly getting dressed, and making sure that the ultrasound picture was in her pocket, as she always did, she began her journey to work, stopping at McDonalds for a double sausage and egg muffin with a hash brown, her craving of the moment.

As she arrived at work, she avoided the wandering eyes that followed her and the gentle swell of her abdomen. As she kept her eyes focused on walking, she found herself in the lift with none other than Donna Jackson, Holby's answer to the Gossip Girl.

'So, you got anything to tell us Jac?' she asked unsubtly, eyeing Jac's stomach.

'Apart from the fact that I eat too much and need to go on a diet?' asked Jac, cool as a cucumber on the surface, inside panicking. 'Don't think so.'

'Oh right,' said Donna.

'Think I might start today,' said Jac. 'Drink a lot of water and cut back the eating.'

'That sounds like a plan,' said Donna as the lift doors opened.

Jac went her separate ways from Donna, going to the staff room to put down her things. She hastened her way down the corridor, not wanting to be late for the start of her shift, not wanting to provoke Connie's wrath. As she partially ran, she bumped into Joseph, making the ultrasound, the first picture of their baby, fall down and rest by his feet.

Leaning down, he picked it up, and cast his eye over it.

'Is there something you wish to tell me?' he asked, handing the photo back to her.

'One of my friends, uh, lives in London. She and her husband are expecting their first baby in 5 months, they asked me to be godmother. I said no at first, but I'm coming around to the idea. I'm carrying the picture of him/her in my pocket to remind me to be a better person, that if I'm going to be a godmother, I need to be a role model to them, point them down the right path,' she said, avoiding eye contact with him.

'A very philosophical viewpoint,' said Joseph. 'Couldn't be more right in my opinion. But I'm surprised to see someone as cold hearted and harsh as you wanting to be a good role model.'

'People change,' said Jac solemly, looking down at her feet.

'You don't,' he said, walking off and just leaving her there. Thoughts ran through his head. No way was she a changed or changing person, there had to be something more to it. Who would ask someone like her to be a godmother to their child? It was like damning their child to hell.

Walking in the opposite direction to Jac, he found Faye at the nurses' station, writing in a file in her curly, spaghetti like handwriting. Folding the file back up, she looked up to Joseph and gave him a small smile.

'Hey,' she said.

'Hello,' he replied. 'Just ran into Jac, quite literally. An ultrasound picture of an unborn baby fell out of her pocket. Told me that a friend of hers is asking her to be a godmother.'

'Jac? Godmother? Really?' asked Faye in short bursts.

Joseph nodded, not really believing it.

'If anything, I would've guessed that she was the one with a bun in the oven, so to speak,' said Faye quaintly.

'Why do you think that?' asked Joseph in intrigue.

'Well, I have been pregnant once before, the signs are quite obvious. Jac's as slim as you can get, you can tell when she's carrying a few pounds. But it's not just a few pounds, it's kind of gathered into one spot, giving the image of a round little belly, completely un-Jac-like. And she's wearing some floral monstrosity blouse that is very unlike her, she's usually the block colour long sleeved tops kind of girl, this is much too feminine. She hasn't been drinking alcohol, claiming to be on a "Detox" to lose the weight that she gained, classic pregnancy cover up and the last sure fire way to tell, she has been seeming really queasy for the past month or two, but now she's in a good mood and looking healthier, so I'd say, 16 weeks along?' she said, trying to work it out.

'She can't be,' said Joseph with a harsh tone of realisation.

'I feel sorry for the guy, if I'm honest,' said Faye.

'Yeah me too,' he replied quietly.


	6. Chapter 6

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

Jac ran into the staffroom and shut the door, pressing her back up against it and raggedly breathing.

He'd followed her, she was sure of it. She'd heard about his and Faye's discussion, and she knew that he was a tiny, marginal bit off completely and utterly unearthing her secret. She couldn't let that happen. He'd hate her forever, even more than he hated her now.

Going to her locker, she got out a few pictures that she'd prepared just in case, wanting to be ready for any eventuality.

And that's when he came in, slamming the door behind him.

'You manipulative bitch!' he spat at her. 'Didn't you think that I'd find out about your little secret? That cover story was pitiful! Were you really expecting me to think that someone would like you that much and think of you as a role model that much that they'd ask you to be godmother to their unborn child? Don't make me laugh Jac!'

'I'm not lying Joseph,' she shouted back at him.

'How do I know that you're not lying Jac?' he asked in fury. 'You've lied to me so many times in the past, how do I know that you're telling the truth!?!'

'See these?' she said, thrusting the pictures into his hand. 'Look at them!'

He looked at them suspiciously.

'That was Tilly and George's wedding, 4 years ago,' said Jac. 'It was just before I came to work here. And there's me, in the picture. The other picture is a recent picture of a pregnant Tilly, see? Her bump is only small, but it's still there. And here's a letter that they wrote to me, asking me to be godmother when their son or daughter was born.'

'So you're not pregnant?' he asked. 'Someone really is stupid enough to ask you to be godmother? Wow there is something wrong with the world.'

'No Joseph, I'm not pregnant, and obviously, my friends are stupid enough to ask me,' said Jac, hurt. 'I can have friends Joseph, and I do have friends, so get that disbelieving poker out of your backside and go back to your life!'

'I'm elated that you're not pregnant Jac. Because if you were, that poor kid would be the unluckiest in the world, having to suffer being raised by a mother like you!' he exclaimed.

'Go away!' she roared back at him.

'With pleasure,' he said, leaving the room.

As he left the room, Jac burst into hysterical crying, clearing the table of its contents with one sweeping hit. Her anger satisfied for the moment, she sat on a chair and began to weep in sorrow, holding her stomach as if to protect her baby from her emotional despair.

Still crying, she felt a small movement. Gasping, she began to move her hand over her bump so that she could find where it was coming from. And there is was again. That small movement, that small twitch that felt like a little kick. As if by magic, her anger subsided, and she began to stroke her little bump, giving a small smile.

'You really do know how to make me feel better, my little baby,' she said softly.

Going to the mirror, she wiped her eyes and tried to make herself look like she hadn't been crying. After a few minutes, she was beginning to resemble her normal self.

Leaving the staff room, she walked up the corridor, and found herself walking past Connie Beauchamp.

'Jac,' said Connie. 'A word please?'

'Yes Mrs Beauchamp,' she said, walking behind her into the office that Connie and Elliot shared.

'Take a seat please,' said Connie as they got in.

Jac sat down, in a slight phase of confusion. Why was she here?

'When were you going to tell people?' asked Connie.

'Tell people what?' replied Jac.

'I'm not stupid Jac,' she replied. 'And I have been there before. You can't hide it for much longer I'm gathering?'

'He can't know,' said Jac, bowing her head.

'So you are pregnant then? I'd extend my congratulations, but you don't seem too happy about it?' she replied, her tone curious. 'I gather that it's someone I know who's the father seeing as you're saying that he can't know...Sam perhaps? Or Joseph maybe?'

'Joseph,' she said quietly. 'See why no one can know? He's getting married!'

'How far?' asked Connie.

'Just gone 16 weeks,' replied Jac quietly.

'You've hidden it well,' remarked Connie. 'I didn't even make it past 8 weeks without people noticing.'

'Why am I here?' asked Jac in confusion.

'I received this piece of paperwork on my desk this morning,' said Connie. 'It's a request for around 7 months of leave for you, beginning one month from today. You're planning on hiding this from Joseph, aren't you?'

Nodding, Jac said, 'I can't be selfish. He'll hate me if he knows. In fact, I've just got back from an argument with him where, after me convincing him that I'm not pregnant, he remarked and basically said it's all good and well, he'd feel sorry for my baby having to grow up with a mother like me.'

Standing up and placing her hand on Jac's shoulder, in a very un-Connie-like display of warmth. 'People said that about me when I was pregnant with Grace. All that you can do is love your baby 100% and prove to those idiots that you can and will be a good mother to that baby.'

'I'm going to,' said Jac proudly. 'I'll prove him wrong. I'll go to Ireland, have my baby, recuperate, then come back and carry on as normal.'


	7. Chapter 7

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

'_I'm going to,' said Jac proudly. 'I'll prove him wrong. I'll go to Ireland, have my baby, recuperate, then come back and carry on as normal.'_

It had been 1 month to this very day that Jac had argued with an angry Joseph, a month since Connie figured out her secret. Today was the day that she would leave Holby, to go to Ireland, to have her baby, and then to return, where she could be close to Joseph for always.

What a busy day she had planned today! She had a morning ultrasound scan to find out the gender of her baby, then it was leaving with her luggage for Ireland and driving up there.

Thank God that she didn't have to load all of the heavy luggage into her car, for luckily, Connie had foreseen that she would need help shifting the heavy stuff, and so offered her assistance. It was so strange of Connie to be kind, but Jac figured that Connie know what she was going through.

Jac thought that she would stop somewhere to find a shopping centre, to buy the essentials that her baby would need now that she knew it's gender. She had only bought the basics so far, neutral coloured clothes, cot, mattress, changing mat. She wanted to go crazy, to spoil her baby like they deserved. She couldn't wait to be a mother to her child.

Arriving at St James' slightly late, she went straight in to her appointment, where Dr Temple greeted her.

'Welcome back Jac!' she said enthusiastically, shaking her hand. 'You are looking well.'

'I am feeling well,' said Jac happily.

'So no major symptoms?' she asked.

'Nope, apart from the frequent urination and cravings, I am superb,' said Jac.

'Very good. If you lie down, we can get a look at your baby and find out the gender,' replied Dr Temple.

Lying down, Jac found that, from where she was lying, her bump looked rather large.

'Dear God, I am enormous,' exclaimed Jac.

'You're actually not,' reassured Dr Temple. 'You are progressing well, but because you were so petite in the first place, you are now resembling someone of a normal build carrying a few pounds.'

'Lucky old me,' remarked Jac. 'Although it has come in handy. People at work are only just starting to suspect.'

'Well,' said Dr Temple. 'Shall we find out the baby's gender?'

'Please,' said Jac, looking towards the screen as the gel and Doppler came into contact with her skin, listening to the repetitive sounds of her baby's heartbeat, making her feel at ease.

'The baby is a good size, no structural abnormalities, perfectly healthy,' remarked Dr Temple. 'And it is a little girl.'

'A girl?' asked Jac. 'Oh God, just what I wanted.'

'You have any names in mind?' asked Dr Temple.

'I was thinking Hayley for a girl and Harry for a boy,' said Jac. 'So I guess she's a Hayley.'

'It's a beautiful name,' said Dr Temple truthfully. 'I have a copy of your medical records here as you requested, here is a copy of your ultrasound, and I hope that you have a safe delivery.'

'Thank you,' said Jac as she left, clutching the ultrasound picture close to her heart.

Getting in the car, she said, 'Well Hayley, it is you and I now in Ireland for a little while. Then we'll come back, and see your daddy. I know it isn't fair, but it's all we have for now. But I promise you this, I won't let you forget your Dad, Hayley Sienna Grace Naylor-Byrne.'


	8. Chapter 8

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

_Getting in the car, she said, 'Well Hayley, it is you and I now in Ireland for a little while. Then we'll come back, and see your daddy. I know it isn't fair, but it's all we have for now. But I promise you this, I won't let you forget your Dad, Hayley Sienna Grace Naylor-Byrne.'_

The journey to Ireland was shorter than Jac had expected, a 1 and a half hour drive to Swansea, where she took a brief ferry over to Cork, where she was staying.

Arriving in Swansea earlier than anticipated, she decided to go shopping for things for Hayley, finally feeling like she could truly spoil her without fear of running into people she knew that would put her expanding waistline together with the baby clothes shopping to make a very pregnant Jac. But she didn't have those worries anymore, the burden had been lifted off her, and that made her feel so much more relaxed.

But then again, she could've done, and had gone slightly overboard with her shopping, not just for Hayley, but for herself. She practically bought herself a new wardrobe of clothes, mostly maternity ones, some in a bigger size than her usual for after Hayley was born, and some that she could wear once she'd got her figure back.

And for Hayley, Jac descended into a girly pink state of mind, buying bedding, pink outfits, vests, sleep suits, snowsuits, blankets, the works. But, being sensible, she picked up a bulk amount of nappies, wipes and baby bath.

But she found a little pink t-shirt that she could not resist buying, even though she knew she shouldn't. It said 'Daddy's Little Princess'. A tear fell from her eye as she realised that Hayley may never get to be a Daddy's girl, because Jac was determined to hide her from him. Composing herself, she realised that it was for the best, not for Hayley and Jac, but for Joseph and Faye's marriage.

Loading her car up until it was full, Jac pulled onto the ferry. After making sure that her car was parked okay, she locked it up, taking her handbag with her.

Her shopping had made her feel really hungry, so she visited the ferry's Subway branch, ordering a foot long ham and turkey sub with cheese, sweetcorn, cucumber, tomato and mayonnaise. Licking her lips, she sat down to devour it, but savour it at the same time, which was a strange concept. After finishing, she patted her stomach and felt Hayley kick in gratitude.

'Anything for you my baby,' she said softly so that no one could hear.

Ordering herself a large herbal tea, she sat down at a table and took out her book, reading it for a while. It was a book on pregnancy and birth, and kept Jac engrossed for a little while. Occasionally, her focus broke as she lifted the cup to her lips and drank some of her tea.

Getting to the end of the chapter she was reading, and her tea cup empty, Jac decided to take herself for a little walk, maybe to check out the shop.

Returning from the shop, she had bought even more goodies. Chocolate, magazines, sweets. Just because she felt like it. It was good to be free, away from the glare of the people she knew.

An announcement was made on the tannoy that they were about to port in Cork. She slowly made her way back to the car and got in, preparing to drive out.

This was where her sat nav came in handy. Putting in the address of the cottage she was staying in, she set off, and said, 'Well Hayley, this is the start of our Irish adventure.'


	9. Chapter 9

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

_Putting in the address of the cottage she was staying in, she set off, and said, 'Well Hayley, this is the start of our Irish adventure.'_

After a short drive from the port, Jac found herself at the place where she and Hayley would be staying for a little while. It was a friendly, benevolent looking place, tranquil and quiet, somewhere that Jac could really see herself relaxing and living for the foreseeable future.

The first thing that she had to do was get herself settled into the cottage. So, she waddled into what appeared to be the reception, where a grey haired woman in her mid 60's sat before her.

'Good Morning,' she said merrily. 'Welcome to Cork. My name is Aisling, and I own and run Swan Cottages. You must be Jac Naylor?'

'Yes, I am,' said Jac.

'Congratulations on your impending arrival,' said Aisling, indicating Jac's stomach.

'Thank you,' said Jac with a genuine smile.

'May I ask what brings you to Cork?' she asked.

'The air in the city at Holby,' said Jac. 'It was unhealthy, and putting little Hayley here at risk. I thought that I'd take some time off work, and come out here, where it's peaceful, the airs clean and I can be comfortable.'

'Ah love, you couldn't be more right,' said Aisling. 'Bairns, especially in the womb need good air from their mothers, to make them strong. Here the air is clean, the great country views makes for great walking. It puts a lot of colour in your cheeks. You look better for it already love.'

'Thank you Aisling,' replied Jac. 'Could I have the key to the cottage so that I can settle in?'

'Sure love,' said Aisling with a smile. 'I'll get Patrick to help you with your bags.'

'Thank you so much!' said Jac.

'Patrick!' yelled Aisling. 'Come out here love! Young lady needs help with her bags.'

Jac was expecting a man roughly the same age as Aisling, her husband, but received the shock of her life when Patrick turned out to be a man around her age. Patrick had tanned olive skin that seemed very Mediterranean, blue-grey eyes that seemed very Irish, and black hair.

'He's a good looking lad, eh?' said Aisling. 'I was expecting him to be bonny, his Dad, my late husband was a Spaniard you see. Patrick, see that Jac's bags are taken to Ivory Cottage. Don't let her carry anything, you hear me? She's in a delicate condition, came here to Cork for the air.'

'Yes Mam,' he said. 'Lead the way.'

Smiling at him, she led him out to the car, all the while thinking, wow.

As she opened the boot, Patrick said, 'Oh dear God, did you do enough shopping on the way here?'

Laughing, Jac said, 'I found out the baby was a girl today, and went a bit crazy buying things for her.'

'Aye, I know the feeling. Got a son myself. When I found out that Fin was a boy, I bought all the father son matching football kits that I could find,' said Patrick proudly. 'Is your little girl your first?'

'Yeah,' said Jac.

'Well we can't be dilly dallying,' said Patrick. 'I'll get the bags, and show you to Ivory Cottage. We'll have to be doing this in halves.'

'Sorry to be a pain,' said Jac.

'No worries love,' he replied. 'Can't be having you carry heavy things, not when you've come all this way for fresh air and rest.'

Once all of Jac's bags were in the cottage, Patrick said, 'I'll leave you to unpack and settle in. If you need me or me Mam, or if you're feeling like some company, we're up in Shell Cottage, which is next door to the reception.'

'Thanks Patrick,' said Jac gently as he left.

She opened her suitcases and began to unpack her clothes, putting some in the drawers, and some in the wardrobes. She proceeded to unpack her toiletries and put them in the bathroom. She also unpacked some of the chocolate and sweets and placed them in the fridge.

Deciding that sweets and chocolate could not sustain her properly, she decided to journey out to some local butchers, farm shops and greengrocers to find food. But, as she didn't have a clue on how to get there, she went back to reception to ask Aisling and Patrick where she could go.

'Aisling, Patrick, I need to go and find some butchers, farm shops and greengrocers to pick up some food, do you know whereabouts I could go?' she asked.

'Ahh love, you're not like all of the English people that have come here. Once we were asked where the local McDonalds was. If you get in your car, and follow the road back down, you'll find a farm on the right, which sells meat, eggs, dairy, fruit, vegetables, bread, jams, juices, smoothies, the works,' said Aisling. 'We don't need anywhere else around here.'

'Sounds great,' said Jac. 'I'm going to go and get some food for the week, and would love it if you, Patrick and Fin would join me for dinner at Ivory Cottage tonight.'

'Ah love, you are a true English rose,' said Aisling. 'We'd love to.'

'I'll see you at 7,' said Jac with a smile. It felt strange to her to be so friendly to people that she had only just met, but it came so naturally that she couldn't help it. And that was why she knew that, when in certain company, some people brought out the best in her. And it felt good.


	10. Chapter 10

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

'_Sounds great,' said Jac. 'I'm going to go and get some food for the week, and would love it if you, Patrick and Fin would join me for dinner at Ivory Cottage tonight.'_

'_Ah love, you are a true English rose,' said Aisling. 'We'd love to.'_

'_I'll see you at 7,' said Jac with a smile. It felt strange to her to be so friendly to people that she had only just met, but it came so naturally that she couldn't help it. And that was why she knew that, when in certain company, some people brought out the best in her. And it felt good._

Leaving reception and getting in her car, she followed Aisling's directions, and with no difficulty whatsoever, she found herself right outside the farm that was mentioned. Driving in, she parked on the gravel and followed the signs to the farm shop.

'How can I help you love?' asked the man. He was quite short, a bit dumpy, but had a really friendly face, and a heavy Irish accent.

'I'm staying up at Swan Cottages, and needed to pick up some supplies. Aisling recommended coming down here,' said Jac.

'Ah, that sweet old lady always puts a lot of business my way,' he replied with a smile. 'I'm Zephan by the way.'

'Jac,' she said, extending her hand. 'I don't know where to start really, there's so much to choose from. I'm making dinner for Aisling, Patrick and Fin tonight, so I need to think of what to cook.'

'Ah,' he said, having a lightbulb moment. 'Are you doing 3 courses?'

'Yeah,' said Jac after some thought.

'Well, I say you can't go wrong with some warm soda bread and butter for starters. For mains, Irish stew is great, and then for desserts, I'd suggest an apple pie. I have the recipes for everything I mentioned here,' he said.

'Sounds really tasty,' said Jac, her mouth watering already. 'I also need supplies for the rest of the week. Fruit, vegetables, meat, bread, milk, etc.'

'And we have all that here,' replied Zephan with a smile. 'I'll get a selection of everything that'll last a week. Don't want you to be lifting in your condition.'

'Thank you so much,' replied Jac with a smile.

'What sort of stuff do you want?' asked Zephan.

'Basics really, salt, pepper, meat, fruit, vegetables, juices, smoothies, bread, milk, butter,' said Jac. 'And can you put in a nice bottle of wine for tonight? Obviously I can't drink, but Patrick and Aisling might want to.'

'Ah,' he replied. 'I have their favourite right here.'

After getting all of the things that Jac needed, Zephan boxed them up and put them in the boot of the car, setting off back to Swan Cottages.

Seeing her car pull in, Aisling said to Patrick, 'Love, Jac's back from Zephan's. Looks like she has a lot of shopping. Help her out.'

'Yes Mam,' he said, leaving the reception.

As Jac got out of the car, she was met by Patrick's face.

'Did your mum send you?' asked Jac.

'Yup,' said Patrick. 'She saw the boxes.'

'I figured,' replied Jac.

Picking them up, Patrick walked up to Ivory Cottage and placed them in the kitchen.

'Thanks,' said Jac in gratitude.

'I'll leave you to get cooking,' he said. 'We'll see you at 7.'

'Yeah, see you then,' said Jac as he left.

Once the door was shut, she set about putting her shopping away and preparing the food for the meal tonight.

***

_Later..._

The soda bread had just come out of the oven, the stew was bubbling away, and the apple pie cooking in the oven. The table had been set with a nice tablecloth that Jac found and some flowers in the centre, the soda bread that she'd made in a small basket, a plate of butter close by.

Finding time to get changed, Jac emerged wearing a olive green wrap dress that complimented her eyes.

As soon as the table was set, the doorbell rang. Opening it, Jac welcomed inside Aisling, wearing a floral blouse and a skirt, Patrick, wearing some blue jeans and a sky blue shirt that made his eyes seem deeper, and 5 year old Finlay, who had on jeans and a t-shirt.

Sitting down, Jac said, 'I bought some wine, do either of you want any?'

'Yes please,' said Aisling and Patrick.

'Won't you feel tempted?' asked Patrick.

'I have a very charming apple juice thank you,' said Jac with a smile. 'What about you Finlay?'

'Can I have some apple juice too please?' he asked.

'Of course you can,' replied Jac with a bright small, getting a small cup and pouring him some out.

'Thank you,' he said, taking a sip.

'He's very polite,' said Jac to Patrick.

'Usually I have to remind him to use his pleases and thank you's,' said Patrick. 'But he's being well behaved tonight.'

'What's for dinner?' asked Fin.

'We're having soda bread and butter for starters, then stew, then apple pie,' replied Jac with a smile.

'Yum,' replied Fin with a grin.

'Would you like me to butter your bread for you Fin?' asked Patrick.

'Can Jac do it please?' asked Fin.

'He seems to have taken quite a shine to you,' said Aisling with a smile.

'I like Jac,' he said with a smile. 'She's nice.'

'And you're very nice too Fin,' she replied.

***

_After dinner..._

'That was amazing,' said Patrick, leaning back in his chair.

'I can truly say that I am fuller than I've ever been,' continued Aisling.

'I might go in for seconds,' said Jac. 'Hayley's got a big appetite.'

'Ah, she's going to be a strong lass,' said Aisling. 'I can feel it in my bones.'

'I can too,' said Jac with a broad smile.


	11. Chapter 11

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

'_I might go in for seconds,' said Jac. 'Hayley's got a big appetite.'_

'_Ah, she's going to be a strong lass,' said Aisling. 'I can feel it in my bones.'_

'_I can too,' said Jac with a broad smile. _

She was being 100% truthful when she said that. She knew in her heart and in her soul that Hayley was going to be a fighter, a little girl with the drive and ambition that she possessed, but the softness and compassion from Joseph. A perfect mixture of the two of them, half her and half him.

She wondered if Hayley would have his eyes, those tender baby blues that made her swoon inside every time she saw them, the eyes that she'd grant anything to. It occurred to her that this might be a problem raising a child who has those eyes, for they'd get away with everything and anything.

Would she be a redhead like Jac was? She hoped not, because it would give her a lot of stick at school, and the pale skin that cowered away from the sun. Joseph had dark brown hair, maybe she'd have that? Or could it be a happy medium?

She knew for sure that Hayley would be smart. Both her and Joe were of above average intelligence, and with her hopes of Hayley being a doctor, Jac was positive that she'd encourage Hayley with education, but without pushing her.

Jac wanted to tell Hayley stories, about Joe, about her life before Hayley came, about everything really. She didn't want to keep secrets from her, she wanted them to be close. She wanted her daughter to have the life that she never did have. Because, deep in her heart, Jac knew that she would never abandon Hayley, because she felt such strong love for her already, and she wasn't even born yet.

These were the thoughts that filled Jac's head that particular morning as she lay in bed just after waking. She felt content here, at peace, and in her early morning haze, these feelings were amplified by a nondescript amount.

Turning onto her back, she moved her hand in a rubbing movement across her bump and said, 'Hayley. I think it's going to be a beautiful name for a beautiful baby. Now that I know you're a girl, and you have a name, I feel as if I've bonded with you so much more than before.'

Pausing, Jac said, 'I want to tell you a story. I don't know if you'll understand it, but it might help you to understand where I came from, and why I am the way I am. I was born Jacqueline Marie Burrows, and my mum, your grandmother was called Paula, and my dad wasn't around. I never knew him. We lived in the same house as my grandmother Iris, so that when my mum worked, my grandmother could look after me. And it carried on like that until I was 12. But my mum decided to get up and move to India. She said that she and a friend of hers were going out there to help people, people that needed her more than I did. I turned into an angry little kid at first, getting into fights and things. And then I shut myself off, realising that I couldn't let anyone into my heart, because they'd just let me down like my mum did. The only person I was really attached to was my Grandma. So, when I was 16, I changed my name to Jacqueline Naylor, wouldn't let anyone call my Jacqui, like my mum did, just Jac. So I carried on with life like that, until I met your dad.'

She stopped for a while, taking in a deep breath.

'He seemed really charming and warm, but slightly neurotic. We became like friends I guess, and a couple for show. But I wanted more from him, and that's what happened. I let him into my heart, and it scared me. I thought I'd get hurt again, like I did with my mum. I kept trying to tell myself that I was only with him for my career, but it wasn't like that. As our relationship carried on, I loved him so much more, but it didn't stop me from doing something stupid. I had an affair with his dad, your grandfather. I lost the only man I ever loved because I didn't want him to leave me. Bizarre, eh?'

She paused again, stroking her bump gently.

'I'm going to make sure you have a good childhood Hayley. I promise I won't mess you up like my mum did with me.'


	12. Chapter 12

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

_She paused again, stroking her bump gently._

'_I'm going to make sure you have a good childhood Hayley. I promise I won't mess you up like my mum did with me.'_

After pulling herself out of bed, Jac took a long hot bath with scented essential oils, playing some gentle naturalistic sounds to relax her.

Once she was out and dried, she took a while to look at herself in the mirror, gazing at her evident little bump. It excited her that her womb held a life. A life. It had taken so much of getting used to, and she had to keep it under wraps. But here, no one cared because no one knew her past. And she liked having that anonymity.

Her gaze on the mirror breaking, she decided to do something productive for the day. Noticing it was a warm and sunny day, Jac dressed herself in a vest top and long flowing gypsy style skirt and went into the kitchen to organise some food for a mini picnic.

After much consideration, she packed some garlic chicken sandwiches, some ham sandwiches, some cheese sandwiches, a fruit smoothie and some juices and more fresh fruit. Scouting the cottage for a picnic basket, she packed it up and set out for the beach, thinking back to the past as she walked...

***

'_I booked us a holiday,' said Joseph with his eyes alight in excitement._

'_Where to?' asked Jac, genuinely intrigued._

'_Weymouth,' said Joseph. 'I've rented us a cottage by the sea for the weekend.'_

_***_

'_I never thought I'd enjoy a weekend at the beach so much...'_

_***_

'_I love you...'_

_***_

'_We'll be together forever...'_

_***_

'_I can see my future with you...marriage, children, everything...'_

***

Snapping back into reality, she carried on walking towards the beach. She could almost smell the sea air, and it calmed her somewhat, like it always did.

'Hayley,' said Jac. 'I hope you'll like the beach like I do, it's one of my favourite places.'

Reaching the beach, she found a good spot and put down all of her stuff, before taking off her sandals and heading to the shoreline. Walking across the beach, the waves lapping at her ankles, she took a chance to bath herself in the sunlight. And as she walked, she sang...

_**I haven't ever really found a place that I call home  
I never stick around quite long enough to make it  
I apologize once again I'm not in love  
But it's not as if I mind  
that your heart ain't exactly breaking**_

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy  
Well I deserve nothing more than I get  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought  
that I would love to live by the sea  
To travel the world alone  
and live more simply  
I have no idea what's happened to that dream  
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy  
Well I deserve nothing more than I get  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy  
Well I deserve nothing more than I get  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down  
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try  
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy  
Well I deserve nothing more than I get  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy  
Well I deserve nothing more than I get  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

As she finished the song on her mind, she rubbed her stomach gently and said, 'That'll change, I'll make sure of it.'

Tiring of walking, she went back to her spot and laid out the picnic blanket that she brought with her, and sat down on it.

Opening the picnic basket, she began to devour the food that she brought with her, savouring every moment of amazing flavour. And before she knew it, everything was gone.

She giggled at the fact that she had eaten her way through so much, and yawned slightly. It was definitely right to say that a full stomach made you tired.

Lying back on the blanket, she let the sounds of the sea wash over her, inhaled the sweet sea air, and found herself drifting off to sleep.

'_Jac, Jac my love, wake up,' he whispered softly._

_Stretching and yawning, Jac sat up, her eyes lighting up when she saw him._

'_Why are you here?' asked Jac. 'How do you know?' The emotion was mounting up in her voice._

'_Shh, shh, shh,' he said, stroking her face gently. 'Connie told me. I thought that I should be here.'_

'_I'm so happy that you're here,' she said quietly. 'I don't want to face this alone Joseph.'_

_Hugging her close, he said, 'Jac, you won't have to, I'm here...forever and for always.'_

'_What about Faye?' asked Jac._

'_How could I stay with Faye and turn my back on you, the woman I love, and the baby that we made together in that love?' he said softly, squeezing her hand._

_Jac remained silent, and simply squeezed his hand._

'_Our little girl will have everything,' said Joseph. 'We'll have everything. I love you...'_

'_I love you too,' she replied._

Dreams are essentially part of fantasy. You'll find what your heart desires within your dreams. But for Jac, it let her down. It felt so real, like he was by her side, holding her hand, hugging her, promising to love her and their baby. It seemed so real, but fantasies and dreams always let you down in the end.


	13. Chapter 13

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

AN: Italics represent dream sequences, but not the bit underneath lol.

_Dreams are essentially part of fantasy. You'll find what your heart desires within your dreams. But for Jac, it let her down. It felt so real, like he was by her side, holding her hand, hugging her, promising to love her and their baby. It seemed so real, but fantasies and dreams always let you down in the end._

She knew her heart's desire. It was him. Joseph Charles Mortimer Byrne, the slightly stuck up, shy and caring surgeon, slightly obsessive and the provider of the majority of love that she had ever received and returned.

She loved him, she couldn't deny it. She had been trying to hide it away, but what she wanted to do, more than anything in the world, was to stand on the tallest Irish hill, and scream back to Holby her undying love for Joseph, in desperate hope that'd she hear him.

She carried on dreaming of him, seeing his angelic face every time she shut her eyes, as if her subconscious was taunting her because of the fact that she couldn't have him when she craved him so desperately. It was killing her that every night she dreamt of him by her side, holding her in his arms, and promising the world and his heart to her.

But every morning, the let down came to her, because he wasn't sleeping by her side, or watching her sleep with a smile, he was far away, in the arms of another woman, one that he loved more than her.

The strangest dream came to her one night, in which Joseph sat before her with a guitar on his lap, strumming softly and serenading her with the sweetest of songs that she'd never heard before.

_**Sitting alone one night,**_

_**Just about to sleep,**_

_**My eyes screwed shut tight,**_

_**Not open a peep.**_

_**Portrait of a dreamer,**_

_**Hoping for the best,**_

_**Looking in a mirror,**_

_**Under your love's arrest.**_

_**They say they understand,**_

_**Why I dream the day away**_

_**Where you hold my hand,**_

_**And it's gonna be okay.**_

_**Portrait of a dreamer,**_

_**Hoping for the best,**_

_**Looking in a mirror,**_

_**Under your love's arrest.**_

_**The worst day,**_

_**Can be remedied in a dream,**_

_**What can I say,**_

_**The feeling is supreme.**_

_**Before the morning arrives,**_

_**Love thrives,**_

_**You and me,**_

_**Is all I can see.**_

_**Portrait of a dreamer,**_

_**Hoping for the best,**_

_**Looking in a mirror,**_

_**Under your love's arrest.**_

_**The morning comes,**_

_**And the let down occurs,**_

_**Along with the sound of drums,**_

_**That night she dreamt that you were hers.**_

It felt so strange to hear him sing that to her, because it was a song from her perspective, and revealed so well the feelings she fraught to keep under wraps. But there they were in her dream world, clear as day, translated into lyrics and the sweetest music.

He visited her another night, and although surreal, his ethereal beauty of an angel could not seem more real to Jac, who longed to sleep every night, just to catch his charming face. This time, they were in Venice, on a gondola sailing up the stream, taking in the sights.

'_Not long now,' said Joseph softly._

'_Until what?' she asked._

'_You'll know soon enough,' he replied as he stroked her hair gently. 'You know you have the most beautiful hair Jac. I love the way the light catches it and it looks like you have a halo, and the breeze flowing through it.'_

'_You seem to really love my hair,' said Jac with a giggle._

'_I love everything about you,' replied Joseph._

Another night, there were no dreams of Joseph as the night went on, but in her early morning haze, she could almost envision him beside her, cuddled into her, chin resting in the crook of her neck, nuzzling her gently.

'_I could stay like this forever,' he said, moving his hands over her 7 month bump and cupping it softly._

'_Mmm,' she replied, snuggling further into him. 'I'm so glad that you came back to find me.'_

'_I couldn't sleep at night for wondering where you'd disappeared to,' said Joseph. 'It was on my mind all of the time, I couldn't concentrate or work at all.'_

'_So what did you do?' she asked, leaning back to look into his eyes._

'_I asked Connie and Elliot,' said Joseph plainly. 'I thought that because they were the consultant's, they'd have an idea of where you were. Elliot had no clue what I was going on about, and Connie feigned unknowing. I knew she was hiding something, so I kept on at her. When she told me, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.'_

'_Good couldn't believe or bad couldn't believe?' she asked him._

'_At first it was neither, a sort of shocked couldn't believe. But then I realised that you were about to give me everything I'd ever wanted. It's always been you Jac, you're the woman in my dreams who is my wife and the mother of my children, and it all starts now,' he said._

'_What do you mean it all starts now?' asked Jac in confusion._

'_Our baby's coming Jac,' said Joseph intermittently. 'Hayley's coming. Wake up. It's time.'_

'_No!' protested Jac. 'It's too early, she's not ready.'_

'_It's how it has to be my love, I'm afraid,' replied Joseph calmly. _

'_I'm scared,' admitted Jac in tears._

'_Don't be scared,' said Joseph. 'I'll be here.'_

Waking up with her breathing laboured and her stomach twinging, she shifted uncomfortably in her bed, grimacing at the dampness beneath her.

Realising that 'dream-Joseph' was right, she began to panic, and picked up her mobile to call Patrick.

'Patrick,' she gasped as another contraction overtook her. 'She's coming. Hayley's coming. It's too early. Help me.'


	14. Chapter 14

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

'_Our baby's coming Jac,' said Joseph intermittently. 'Hayley's coming. Wake up. It's time.'_

'_No!' protested Jac. 'It's too early, she's not ready.'_

'_It's how it has to be my love, I'm afraid,' replied Joseph calmly. _

'_I'm scared,' admitted Jac in tears._

'_Don't be scared,' said Joseph. 'I'll be here.'_

_Waking up with her breathing laboured and her stomach twinging, she shifted uncomfortably in her bed, grimacing at the dampness beneath her._

_Realising that 'dream-Joseph' was right, she began to panic, and picked up her mobile to call Patrick._

'_Patrick,' she gasped as another contraction overtook her. 'She's coming. Hayley's coming. It's too early. Help me.'_

Whilst waiting for Patrick to turn up, Jac panted heavily as she held her stomach, making a silent prayer to whichever God was listening to save her baby, to save Hayley. As another contraction took over her, she said her prayers aloud.

'Dear God,' she begged. 'Please save my baby, save my baby and I'll turn my life around, I promise. I'll be an honest person, I'll be a better person, just don't let my baby die. Amen.'

Patrick joined her a few minutes later, coming straight into the bedroom.

'Jac,' he said, running to her bedside.

'She's coming fast,' said Jac. 'Is there a hospital around?'

'Aye,' said Patrick. 'There's one nearby. I'm gonna drive you there.'

'I'm sorry to be such a pain,' said Jac apologetically.

'Hey,' he said helping her up. 'None of that. This is no burden for me, I'm happy to help. Mam's looking after Fin, so I'm all yours.'

Panting and screaming as another contraction overtook her, Jac said, 'You have no idea how much this means to me.'

'It's perfectly fine Jac,' said Patrick. 'We've got to move you quickly, you can never be too sure with a premature baby.'

'I hope she's okay,' said Jac. 'She has to be. God's punishing me for being a bad person.'

'Surely not,' said Patrick, beginning to help her up. 'From what I've seen you've not got a bad bone in your body.'

Standing up and supporting her weight against Patrick, Jac said, 'You don't understand Patrick, I'm a bad person.'

Practically carrying her to the car, Patrick put her in the back seat so that she could lie across, and drove off at speed into the night.

'I haven't got anything,' said Jac. 'The clothes for Hayley, changes of clothes for me, toiletries.'

'Jac, calm down love,' said Patrick. 'I know it's hard, but you need to relax. Mam will bring everything you need tomorrow, okay?'

Breathing heavily, Jac said, 'Okay. Do you think Hayley will be okay? Do you think she'll survive?'

'Jac, don't be thinking like that,' said Patrick sternly. 'Think positively. Hayley's a fighter, just like yourself, she's strong. For sure, she'll pull through.'

'That's good,' replied Jac, peering under the nightgown she was wearing. 'How far away is this hospital?'

'A few minutes Jac, promise,' said Patrick. 'Why?'

'Because her head's crowning, and it's really hard not to push. Please step on it, I don't want to give birth at the side of the road,' said Jac.

'Okay,' said Patrick, speeding up the car, arriving at the hospital a few minutes later.

Helping her into the emergency department, supporting her weight, Patrick called for help. Jac was immediately brought to a delivery room, where an impatient Hayley made her entrance into the world a few minutes later in silence.

'Oh God,' exclaimed Jac. 'She's not breathing! Save her, please! Save my baby.'

The doctors began to work on Hayley, trying to breathe life into her. After a few cycles, a loud, resounding cry filled the room, and Jac sighed with relief.

'Is she okay?' asked Jac, pure concern evident in her voice.

'She's very tiny,' said the midwife. 'And her breathing is not as good as we'd hope. We're taking her to SCBU now to give her the support she needs. You can come and see her soon. But rest for now, you've been through a lot.'

They took Jac to a side room, where she slept for what felt like forever, waking up in her own time, to Patrick, Aisling and Fin at the doorway.

'Hiya love,' said Aisling, coming inside. 'How are you feeling?'

'I've been worse,' replied Jac, trying to sit up.

'We brought these for you,' said Fin, giving Jac a bunch of flowers and a pink teddy bear.

'Awww,' said Jac, hugging him, tears in her eyes.

'Did I make you cry Jac?' asked Fin.

'No sweetheart,' said Jac. 'These are happy tears.'

'Mam brought your things as well,' said Patrick, handing her the bag.

'Thanks,' said Jac. 'You've been so kind to me, and we're both grateful.'

'It's been no trouble love,' said Aisling.

'How's Hayley?' asked Fin.

'She's very ill at the moment,' said Jac. 'But the doctors are trying to make her better.'

'Is she going to die?' asked Fin innocently.

The tears came to Jac's eyes as she said, 'I hope not, I really hope not.'

Seeing that Fin's question had upset Jac, Aisling said, 'We're going for the moment, get some rest.'

'Thanks Aisling,' said Jac. 'I will do.'

As Aisling, Patrick and Fin left, Jac's eyes welled up with tears as she contemplated her future, Hayley's future. Jac hadn't even got the chance to know her, and it was possible that she'd be ripped away from her straight away.

Seeing the midwife come into her room, Jac demanded, 'I want to see my baby!'


	15. Chapter 15

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

_As Aisling, Patrick and Fin left, Jac's eyes welled up with tears as she contemplated her future, Hayley's future. Jac hadn't even got the chance to know her, and it was possible that she'd be ripped away from her straight away._

_Seeing the midwife come into her room, Jac demanded, 'I want to see my baby!'_

'Okay Miss,' replied the midwife. 'I'll just go and get a wheelchair.'

She returned a few seconds later, and helped Jac into the wheelchair, wheeling her down to SCBU.

'She's the third from the left,' said the midwife gently. 'I'll leave you here.'

'Thanks,' she replied, wheeling herself over to the incubator where Hayley was.

'You're so tiny,' she remarked. 'Truly, you're like a little china doll. I can't hold you because I might break you, my delicate and beautiful china doll. It's too soon to tell for sure, but I think you'll look like your daddy. You have his dark hair, his nose, but your hair might change, you might be a ginger like me.'

Looking backwards to the nurse, Jac said, 'Can I touch her?'

'Yes,' said the nurse, opening the little hatch. 'Be gentle.'

Reaching her arm through the hatch, Jac stroked Hayley's face softly and said, 'You look like a Hayley. I wasn't sure if your name would suit you before, but now I've seen you, you are definitely a Hayley. My innocent little girl. What kind of God would subject you to this pain, to this limbo you're in? It's cruel, but you're going to fight this, use some of my genes and pull through, for me. Prove God wrong, you're a survivor and you know it.'

Moving her hand towards Hayley's, she welled up with tears when the tiny hand gripped her finger.

'That's a strong grip you've got there,' said Jac. 'I'm begging you, please Hayley, use it and hold on to life with all your might, because I'd wither and die if anything worse than this happened to you.'

The tiny baby in the incubator began to squirm slightly, and Jac said soothingly, 'Hey, hey, hey, don't be so restless, you'll hurt yourself.'

As Hayley continued to squirm, Jac gently sang:

_Hush now, my baby  
Be still love, don't cry  
Sleep like you're rocked by the stream  
Sleep and remember  
My lullaby  
And I'll be with you when you dream_

Drift on a river  
That flows through my arms  
Drift as I'm singing to you  
I see you smiling  
So peaceful and calm  
And holding you, I'm smiling, too  
Here in my arms  
Safe from all harm  
Holding you, I'm smiling, too

Hush now, my baby  
Be still, love, don't cry  
Sleep like you're rocked by the stream  
Sleep and remember this river lullaby  
And I'll be with you when you dream  
I'll be with you when you dream

As she finished her song of pure emotion, Jac said, 'I want to hold you, but you're too tiny. But I promise you, one day you'll be safe from harm.'

Jac turned to wheel herself away, and was halfway out the door when she heard the machines bleep loudly. Whipping herself round, she noticed that it was Hayley, and began to scream in desperation for help, the tears seeping from her eyes and down her face.

'Save her!' begged Jac. 'Please!'

A barrage of nurses and doctors flooded into the room, and one of them whisked Jac away, saying, 'They're doing all that they can for her. You can't be in here.'

'My baby!' said Jac whilst weeping. 'My baby!'

'Is there anyone that you can call, or anyone I can find?' asked the nurse. 'The baby's father perhaps?'

'He's back in England,' said Jac, sobbing. 'He'll never get here.'

'He might do love,' replied the nurse optimistically. 'Why don't you call him?'

'I can't,' said Jac. 'I can't be selfish. He doesn't want me, he's married.'

'It's not being selfish to let him know his daughter's poorly,' replied the nurse, squeezing Jac's shoulder. 'You don't know what he'll do with the information.'

Wiping her eyes, Jac said, 'You're right. Can I use the phone?'

'Of course love,' she replied. 'It's right here. I'll leave you to it.'

Picking up the phone, Jac dialled the number imprinted into her memory, and waited as it rang.

When it reached voicemail, she decided to leave him a message before she chickened out of calling again.

Her voice shaky, she said, 'Joseph, it's Jac. I'm at Cork University Maternity Hospital in Ireland. I've just given birth to our daughter 8 weeks early, Hayley. She's ill Joe, it's not looking good. If you don't believe me, I don't blame you, go and ask Connie, she can verify. I just thought that you'd like to see her, in case you don't get the chance to again. I know that you hate me, but please, don't deny your daughter the chance to see her dad at least once because of your hatred of me. You know where we are.'

An hour later, Joseph picked up his messages from his mobile voicemail, and instantaneously set out to find Connie for verification.

Swinging his head around her office door, Joseph said rapidly, 'Is Jac pregnant?'

'Why would you think that?' asked Connie, revealing nothing.

Opening up his phone and pressing a button, he played the message to her.

'You have to get down there Joseph,' said Connie.

'Why?' asked Joseph.

'She's not lying,' replied Connie. 'If she's calling you, it's not good. I've been there, trust me, that's real pain. Go and be with your daughter.'

'I'll get the first ferry out there,' said Joseph.


	16. Chapter 16

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

Sorry for the short chapter, but I think that it's essential to show Joseph's feelings.

'_She's not lying,' replied Connie. 'If she's calling you, it's not good. I've been there, trust me, that's real pain. Go and be with your daughter.'_

'_I'll get the first ferry out there,' said Joseph._

After quickly driving home from the hospital and packing a small suitcase, Joseph got into his car once more and pulled away at full speed to go to the port.

'Jac, Jac, Jac,' he said to himself. 'Why keep it from me? Why do it? I would've stood by you, you know that. Surely you don't doubt my feelings for you that much? Well, I don't blame you for that, I can't, because it's my fault that you doubted yourself, me, us. I'm going to make up for that, I promise with everything that I am.'

Letting what he was saying sink in, he continued by saying, 'I'm a Dad! I can't believe it. I'm the father of a little baby girl and her name is Hayley. I know that she's going to be beautiful, that is for sure. Well, if she looks anything like Jac she will be. I can't believe that one night I hardly remember could lead to a little person being here, right here and right now, waiting for her Daddy to visit so she can meet him for the first time.'

Pausing, he said, 'She needs me. She's sick. Jac thinks that she might die. Will I get the chance to be a proper Dad to her? Will I make amends for my disbelief and ignorance to Jac? Will she have gone before I even arrive? It's killing me to think that people I care about are suffering, and I was oblivious to it, and it's come down to this. I'm breaking the speed limit, will probably get arrested and never make it there. God, I need to calm down. For the moment, I need to stop thinking about it, else I'll never get there. Maybe the radio will help.'

Twiddling the dials on the radio, he found a signal appropriate station and began to listen to the music.

_**I'd like to watch you sleep at night  
to hear you breathe by my side  
And though sleep leaves me behind  
there's nowhere I'd rather be  
And now our bed is oh so cold  
my hands feel empty  
no one to hold  
I can sleep what side I want  
It's not the same with you gone  
Oh if you'd come home  
I'll let you know that  
All you want  
Is right here in this room  
All you need  
Is sitting here with you  
All you want**_

It's been three years  
One night apart  
but in that night you tore my heart  
If only you had slept alone  
If those seeds had not been sown

Oh you could come home and you would know that  
All you want  
Is right here in this room  
All you need  
Is sitting here with you  
All you want

I hear your key turning in the door  
I won't be hearing that sound anymore  
And you and your sin  
can leave the way you just came in  
send my regards to her

I hope you've found that  
All you want  
Is right there in that room  
All you need  
Is sitting there with you  
All you want

I'd like to watch you sleep at night  
to hear you breathe by my side

'All that I want,' said Joseph softly, his mind running back to thoughts of his and Jac's past, their present situation, and future dreams.

Snapping out of his daydream as he swerved to avoid a car, Joseph turned off the radio quickly and said, 'Stupid radio, making me think about them. I need to forget, for now.'


	17. Chapter 17

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

'_All that I want,' said Joseph softly, his mind running back to thoughts of his and Jac's past, their present situation, and future dreams._

_Snapping out of his daydream as he swerved to avoid a car, Joseph turned off the radio quickly and said, 'Stupid radio, making me think about them. I need to forget, for now.'_

Pacing up and down the corridor outside the Special Care Baby Unit, Jac was nervous, upset and bordering on collapsing from exhaustion.

'Where are you Joe?' she said to herself, still pacing. 'Where are you? I need you, Hayley needs you!'

'I'm here,' he said behind her, his voice reassuring, but a hint of brokenness behind it. 'I'm here Jac, for both of you.'

'I didn't think you were coming,' she admitted.

'I'm not that heartless,' he replied quietly. 'Where is she?'

'She's in here,' said Jac. 'You can touch her through the incubator panels if you like. I'm sure that she'd appreciate you being there.'

'How is she?' asked Joseph.

'She's still very poorly,' said Jac. 'But they've stabilised her for now, which is a good thing. It's just a waiting game at the moment, it's driving me crazy!'

'Hey, hey, hey,' he whispered softly, taking her in his arms and hugging her close. 'We'll wait it out together. I promise. I'm not going anywhere. Shall we go and see her?'

'I'll have to ask the nurse,' said Jac quietly. 'She hasn't let me go back in since she went into VF. She's stable, but they won't let me see her.'

'I'll talk to her,' replied Joseph. 'Is that the one over there?'

Jac nodded feebly. Turning around, Joseph went to speak to the nurse, using his charm and the circumstances to allow the nurse to let them into SCBU to see Hayley.

Returning back to Jac, he said, 'She said it was fine, but only for 5 minutes. Let's go.'

Taking her hand, he led her into the SCBU.

'This one's her incubator,' said Jac softly. 'I can tell because I put the teddy bear up there, it's got a little t-shirt on that says Hayley. I wanted to recognise where she was...'

'Sweetheart,' said Joseph, making Jac stopping her incoherent ranting. 'You're babbling. I understand. How about you sit down, and say hello to Hayley? I'm sure that she's missed you.'

'You go first,' said Jac. 'She knows me, but she needs to know you. You go.'

'Okay,' he said, sitting down and reaching into the incubator, holding the tiny infants hand in his, the tears escaping his eyes as she gently squeezed it with all of the strength she possessed. 'Hello Hayley...I'm your daddy. You're such a beautiful little angel. And you're a part of me. It's so surreal, it's only just sinking in now. But I'm going to be there. For everything. I promise. Every parent's evening, school play, concert and sports day, I'll be by your Mummy's side, beaming with pride at how beautiful and talented our little girl is. You just need to be strong. I've ran out of words to say, but know that I love you, and will always be there. I'm going to pass you over to your Mummy now, she's been missing you a lot.'

Gently withdrawing his hand, he shut the little panel and got up from his chair, pushing it in a bit so that Jac could sit down. Reaching into the incubator, she stroked Hayley's face and held her hand once more, like she did before.

'Hello again,' she said. 'My little princess. I haven't got long because it took all of Daddy's charm just to get us 5 minutes in here, but I can't wait to take you home. So you need to get better for us, because then you'll be able to go home, to your proper home in Holby.'

The nurse came in and said, 'Visiting hours are over, I'm sorry.'

'It's okay,' said Jac, stroking Hayley's cheek and saying, 'Bye for now my angel.'

Getting up, she leant on Joseph as he supported her as she walked out of the double doors, sitting down in the designated seating.

'Have you been discharged?' asked Joseph.

Jac nodded in silence. 'I haven't packed yet though. I'm not leaving her.'

'How about I take you back to where you're staying, and you can go to sleep for a while, have a shower, I'll make you something to eat, and we can come back in the morning?' suggested Joseph.

'No,' stated Jac. 'I'm staying here. What if something happens?'

'They'll call you,' said Joseph softly. 'Come on Jac, you're a mess.'

Looking into his eyes, Jac said, 'Okay.'


	18. Chapter 18

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

'_Have you been discharged?' asked Joseph. _

_Jac nodded in silence. 'I haven't packed yet though. I'm not leaving her.'_

'_How about I take you back to where you're staying, and you can go to sleep for a while, have a shower, I'll make you something to eat, and we can come back in the morning?' suggested Joseph. _

'_No,' stated Jac. 'I'm staying here. What if something happens?'_

'_They'll call you,' said Joseph softly. 'Come on Jac, you're a mess.'_

_Looking into his eyes, Jac said, 'Okay.'_

As he led her out of the ward, packed and ready, Jac said, 'Patrick, Aisling and Fin...I wonder if they're still here...'

'Patrick, Aisling and Fin?' asked Joseph.

'Aisling's the lady that runs the cottages where I'm staying, Patrick is her son and Fin is his son. They've been so nice to me, they brought me in. I'll have to find them...' she said.

'Are those 3 over in the corner them?' asked Joseph.

Looking up, Jac said, 'Yeah, they're coming over here...'

'Jac!' they exclaimed, hugging her individually.

'How's the bairn?' asked Aisling.

'Bairn?' asked Joseph.

'Baby,' said Jac.

'Ah,' he replied.

'She's not out of the woods yet, but she's a fighter,' said Jac.

'Aye she's a strong lass,' remarked Patrick. 'You got your man out here then I see...'

'Yeah,' replied Jac, looking up at Joseph. 'It's my fault for not letting him know.'

'That's in the past now,' said Joseph.

'Aye, the past,' said Aisling, agreeing with them.

'Are you planning on going back to the cottage?' asked Patrick.

'Yeah,' replied Jac softly. 'Joseph's worried about me, so he's taking me home for a little while so that I can freshen up a bit and sleep. I think that we'll come back to see her in the morning...'

'Sounds like a good idea,' said Aisling. 'You are looking awfully pale love. You need a good hearty meal. How about I make us all a meal when we're back?'

'Thanks Aisling,' said Jac. 'Really, but, well, Joseph and I have a lot to discuss...Perhaps some other time.'

'Aye,' replied Aisling. 'Do you want to follow us back to the cottage? I'm gathering that Joseph doesn't know the way...'

'Nope,' said Jac. 'I'm not too sure either, can't remember much apart from the pain.'

'To be expected,' said Patrick. 'You can follow us, it's not too far.'

'Thank you,' said Joseph. 'From what I've heard you've been very kind to Jac.'

'She's a lovely lass,' said Aisling. 'As beautiful in soul as she is in face, a real keeper.'

'Indeed,' replied Joseph.

Joseph helped Jac ease her tired body into the car and buckled her seatbelt. Slipping into the driver's seat, he began to drive.

'I'm sorry I never told you,' said a groggy Jac. 'About Hayley...'

'Jac, we'll talk when you've rested,' stated Joseph. 'When we get back to the cottage, I'm whipping you up a quick meal, you're showering, and then you're sleeping...'

'What will you do?' asked Jac.

'Probably sleep on the sofa,' said Joseph. 'I am really quite tired...'

'Hmm, me too,' she replied, finding the headrest a comfortable place to rest her thought filled head. She found herself drifting off, sleeping, dreaming...of the future.

'_Hayley you little monkey!' exclaimed Jac happily. 'Come back here!'_

'_Daddy's chasing me!' she squealed. 'He's tickling me!'_

'_Honestly,' she replied, rolling her eyes and stroking her raised belly. 'I have this to look forward to with you as well...'_

_Finishing playing with Hayley, Joseph came inside and said, 'It'll be okay Jac, don't fret so much.'_

_As she skipped into the hall, Hayley said, 'Is mum worried about the baby?'_

'_Yes sweetheart,' replied Joseph. 'She's a little scared...'_

'_I made it through,' said Hayley._

'Jac!' said Joseph, shaking her lightly. 'Jac!'

'Huh?' she asked, lifting her head quickly. 'What's wrong?'

'We're here,' he replied, helping her out of the car and into the cottage.

Sitting her down in the sofa, he made her a quick pasta meal and sat by her while she ate every mouthful, if not slightly reluctantly. Ushering her into the bathroom, he wouldn't let her out until she'd showered and changed into clean clothes.

Feeling more awake after a revitalising shower, Jac said, 'Joseph, I think I'm ready for that talk now...'

'Okay,' he replied softly, scooting a tad closer to her.


	19. Chapter 19

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

_Feeling more awake after a revitalising shower, Jac said, 'Joseph, I think I'm ready for that talk now...'_

'_Okay,' he replied softly, scooting a tad closer to her._

'What do you want to know?' she asked.

'So many things,' he replied honestly. 'Firstly, tell me about when you first found out you were pregnant with Hayley.'

'I was meant to be in theatre with Connie, and I was late,' she replied. 'In more ways than one. I had my suspicions for a while, but I was in denial. But, I'd gone and bought the test, and I'd bottled out of taking it at home, so I brought it to work in my bag and promised myself to take it later. My hands were so shaky Joseph, you wouldn't have believed it, I couldn't do anything right that day. I ended up in theatre with Connie, she took one look at my jerky hands, and sent me home. And I ran, I ran to the toilets and made myself take the test, cursing myself for not doing it sooner. It took so long for me to pluck up the courage to look at the test. I looked down at it, and it was positive...'

'Did you know I was the father straight away?' asked Joseph.

Nodding, she said, 'Of course, I've only been with you since I came to Holby, there's been no one else.'

'How did you feel about me being her dad?' he asked.

'Honestly?' she asked, receiving a nod from him. 'Mixed emotions. When I found out that I was pregnant, I didn't want a child, not at all. I considered abortion for a while, but I couldn't get rid of a part of you. But I wanted an abortion in the first place for yours and Faye's relationship. I knew that you were devoted to her, and if you were ever involved in Hayley's life, it would be a secret, and I didn't want that for her. Or your relationship with Faye would fall through, and you'd resent Hayley for that, I didn't want that either. So I decided to keep my pregnancy secret, to keep Hayley a secret...'

'That night...' said Joseph. 'When we were in the bar, when we conceived Hayley. Were you honest with me? Did you sleep with me to mess up my relationship with Faye?'

'No Joseph,' she protested. 'Everything I've done since that night has proven that the last thing I wanted was to screw with your relationship! I kept all of this a secret out of concern for your relationship! And I was 100% honest with you, I swear. I never told a single lie to you that night.'

'Okay, I just wanted to know for sure. What happened after you found out?' he asked.

'I faked having a stomach bug for god knows how long, I'm surprised that no one saw through it,' she said. 'I had my 12 week scan and everything was great, I skipped the rest of the day of work and went home to watch Ghost.'

'The film we watched on our second date,' he said. 'I remember. You were in stitches watching Whoopi Goldberg.'

'Nothing really happened after the scan, apart from more lies about my condition, until I was about 4 months along. Donna was asking questions, and I told her that I had put on too much weight and needed to diet, and after I left her, I bumped into you,' she said.

'Ah, I remember,' said Joseph. 'I'm sorry for everything that I said.'

'I don't blame you,' replied Jac. 'The truth was that the picture you picked up was Hayley's ultrasound, but the story was real. I had been asked to be godmother to Tilly and George's baby, the pictures and letters were real...'

'I really am sorry for my behaviour,' said Joseph. 'It was inexcusable.'

'I can excuse it,' she declared. 'You didn't know...Anyway, after I'd argued with you , I cried a lot, and Hayley moved for the first time. That brought me up a little bit and I composed myself. Went back onto the ward, and got called into Connie's office.'

'I can see where this is leading,' he replied.

'She found out,' stated Jac. 'She'd been asked to sign off on my leave, put it together with my changing appearance and came out with 4. She was awfully nice about it, and told me that people thought that she'd be a bad mother with Grace, but all we can do is prove them wrong.'

'I never thought that you'd be a bad mother,' admitted Joseph. 'I've seen other sides to you that proved me wrong when I thought that.'

'I had my 20 week scan a month after that day,' said Jac. 'The day I was going to leave for Ireland, that's when I found out Hayley was a girl. I'd already had names picked out, so straight away, she was Hayley Sienna Grace Naylor-Byrne.'

'What would you have named her if she was a boy?' asked Joseph.

'Harry Joseph Connor Naylor-Byrne,' said Jac.

'After my brother and I?' asked Joseph.

'Yeah, I knew how close you two were,' she replied. 'So, after the appointment, I set off for Ireland. I got to Swansea, did a bit of shopping. I found the most beautiful t-shirt saying 'Daddy's Little Princess', I couldn't help but buy it. It made me feel guilty though, because if everything went to plan, she'd never get to be a Daddy's Girl...'

'She will be now Jac,' he said, squeezing her hand. 'She will be, at least she'll get the chance to be. So, tell me the story of your time in Ireland, and how you met Aisling and Patrick.'

'Aisling runs Swan Cottages, where I was staying, Patrick is her son and Fin is his son. They're such lovely people, they were so kind to me. Straight away, we bonded, I'd only been there for 24 hours and I was having dinner with them. Right domestic goddess aren't I?'

'I seem to remember you surviving on takeaways 80% of the time, and burning pasta,' he said.

'I've changed a lot,' said Jac. 'The day after this big dinner with Aisling, Patrick and Fin, I woke up and started talking to Hayley about things, with you, what had happened in the past, things like that. I decided to take a picnic over to the beach and have a bit of alone time. I walked across the shore, sang, enjoyed the scenary, I felt truly at peace for the first time in my life. I fell asleep on the picnic blanket, and had a dream about you...'

'What happened in the dream?' he asked.

'You'd came and found me in Ireland, somehow you'd managed to get Connie to tell you everything. You promised that you'd always be there for Hayley, and...'

'And what?' he asked.

'Nothing,' she said, casting it aside.

'No, there's something else,' said Joseph.

'Okay,' she said. 'You said that you'd leave Faye, and that you loved me...'

'Why didn't you want to tell me that before?' he asked gently.

'Because it's impossible, you hate me,' she stated.

'I don't hate you,' he declared. 'Far from it Jac...Far from it.'

'I had so many dreams about you,' said Jac. 'In one you were singing to me, one we were in Venice in a gondola, and once when I woke up, it was as if you were next to me. The last one was strange, you kept telling me to wake up because Hayley was here. I woke up and my water's had broken.'

'How bizarre!' he remarked.

'I know,' she replied. 'Those dreams, I think it was my way of trying to deal with missing you...'

'I had similar dreams,' he said.

'About me?' she asked, he nodded. 'Did Faye ever know?'

'I don't know,' said Joseph. 'But one night I called out for you in my sleep, but I don't think she heard, at least she never said anything...'

'Where do we stand now?' asked Jac. 'Everything's changed.'

'I know,' said Joseph, affectionately stroking her hair. 'Let's just get Hayley better first.'


	20. Chapter 20

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

_'I know,' she replied. 'Those dreams, I think it was my way of trying to deal with missing you...'_

_'I had similar dreams,' he said._

_'About me?' she asked, he nodded. 'Did Faye ever know?'_

_'I don't know,' said Joseph. 'But one night I called out for you in my sleep, but I don't think she heard, at least she never said anything...'_

_'Where do we stand now?' asked Jac. 'Everything's changed.'_

_'I know,' said Joseph, affectionately stroking her hair. 'Let's just get Hayley better first.'_

'I am really tired!' exclaimed Jac, stretching her body out.

'You should rest,' stated Joseph.

'I will,' she replied. 'But before I go to bed, tell me something.'

'Anything,' replied Joseph earnestly.

'What happened between you and Faye?' asked Jac. 'After you found out about Hayley? After you came here?'

Looking out of the window, Joseph said, 'I wondered when you'd ask me about that.'

'Don't you think that I have a right to know?' asked Jac, a confrontational tone developing in her voice.

'Of course,' said Joseph soothingly. 'We just have bigger things to worry about at the moment.'

'I know we do Joseph!' she exclaimed. 'But I want to know! This affects all 3 of our lives once we all go back to Holby. I need to know what I'm letting myself in for with her!'

'Okay,' said Joseph. 'I'll tell you.'

Shifting comfortably and taking her hand, he said, 'First of all, we're not together anymore, Faye and I.'

'Tell me the story,' said Jac, her features softening. 'Right from where you found out. Don't miss a thing, please.'

And so he squeezed her hand a little tighter, beginning to recount the story of when he heard of the news that would change his life and damage his relationship with Faye...

_Joseph couldn't believe what he had heard..._

_'Joseph, it's Jac. I'm at Cork University Maternity Hospital in Ireland. I've just given birth to our daughter 8 weeks early, Hayley. She's ill Joe, it's not looking good. If you don't believe me, I don't blame you, go and ask Connie, she can verify. I just thought that you'd like to see her, in case you don't get the chance to again. I know that you hate me, but please, don't deny your daughter the chance to see her dad at least once because of your hatred of me. You know where we are.'_

_An hour later, Joseph picked up his messages from his mobile voicemail, and instantaneously set out to find Connie for verification. Was it true what he was hearing? Was this another one of Jac's twisted lies?_

_Swinging his head around her office door, Joseph said rapidly, 'Is Jac pregnant?'_

_'Why would you think that?' asked Connie, revealing nothing._

_Opening up his phone and pressing a button, he played the message to her._

_'You have to get down there Joseph,' said Connie._

_'Why?' asked Joseph._

_'She's not lying,' replied Connie. 'If she's calling you, it's not good. I've been there, trust me, that's real pain. Go and be with your daughter.'_

_'I'll get the first ferry out there,' said Joseph._

_Departing quickly from Connie's office, he opened up his phone and arranged to board the next ferry out of Swansea that he could get to in time. It was to be 7pm, 7 hours from the present time._

_His steps in time with his heavily paced breathing, Joseph practically ran to his car, breaking the speed limit to get home and pack._

_As he arrived at home, Faye's face greeted him._

'_Sweetheart, I thought you were at work,' she said._

'_I was, but I received some bad news around 15 minutes ago, I need to leave,' said Joseph hurriedly._

'_To go to where?' asked Faye._

'_Ireland,' he replied._

'_Why Ireland?' she asked._

'_Jac's just given birth to my 8 week premature daughter, they're both out there, I'm kind of needed,' he said, wanting to get the news out in the open straight away._

'_Jac was pregnant?' asked Faye, trying to take everything in._

'_Yes!' exclaimed Joseph. 'I've only just found out myself!'_

'_You seem awfully excited about the prospects of fatherhood,' said Faye bluntly._

'_The prospects, yes,' he replied, scurrying around the room trying to find his holdall. 'The reality, I'm scared. A part of me is dying and I'm wasting my time here!'_

'_Thanks a bunch,' replied Faye._

'_You seem very blasé about things,' remarked Joseph. 'Don't want to yell at me?'_

'_Of course I bloody do!' she shouted. 'I forgave you for sleeping with Jac! I knew that any love that existed between you was long gone! But now, your eyes have lit up at the thought of her and your child. Admit it Joseph, it was always her, it was always that bitch!'_

'_So what if it was?' he asked. 'I had to hate her, I admit that. She's given me a gift which you denied me, something you never wanted to give me! And do not call her a bitch for she is worth 100 of you!'_

'_I had my reasons Joseph!' she roared. 'And how dare you!'_

'_And I had mine!' he roared back at her. 'And how dare you!'_

'_Where does this leave us then?' she asked._

'_Where do you think Faye?' he asked. 'I want you out of my life. So move out, stay, frankly I don't care. You're on your own!'_

'_Where are you going?' she yelled at him._

'_Where do you think?' he shouted back at her, picking up his packed holdall and leaving._

'So, you're single now?' she asked.

'Yup, a free agent,' replied Joseph.

Yawning, she said, 'I better be careful that someone doesn't snap you up.'

'Okay Jac,' he said, humouring her. 'Shall we get you to bed?'

'Okay,' she replied. 'Then we'll go see Hayley, yeah?'

'In the morning sweetheart,' he replied. 'In the morning.'


	21. Chapter 21

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

'_So, you're single now?' she asked._

'_Yup, a free agent,' replied Joseph._

_Yawning, she said, 'I better be careful that someone doesn't snap you up.'_

'_Okay Jac,' he said, humouring her. 'Shall we get you to bed?'_

'_Okay,' she replied. 'Then we'll go see Hayley, yeah?'_

'_In the morning sweetheart,' he replied. 'In the morning.'_

Jac awoke the next morning with her head in a whirl. She was seriously wondering if everything that had happened had been a bizarre figment of her overactive imagination.

Was Joseph really here? In this cottage? Had he really said all those wonderful things to her?

Uncomfortably shuffling out of bed, intermittently yawning, Jac made her way to the kitchen to grab some orange juice, and found Joseph frying bacon, sausages and eggs.

'I was going to come and wake you up,' he said, his rich, well spoken accent like mellifluous chocolate for her ears. 'Breakfast is nearly ready. Would you like tea or orange juice?'

'Orange juice please,' said Jac, semi in awe about his confirmed presence in her cottage.

She sat down at the breakfast bar slowly, her movements unintentional as her mobility had been greatly restricted because of the trauma of labour. Quickly pinching herself just to check, it seemed that her hazy 'dreams' had in fact been memories. Joseph was here. And him and Faye were no more.

It made her smile a little, and Joseph had noticed.

'You look cheery this morning darling,' he replied, placing a small kiss on her cheek. 'Good night's sleep?'

'The best,' was all she managed to choke out, trying to ignore that burning feeling of passion where he had kissed her. It was platonic but she felt like she had been set alight. Damn him for doing this to her. And then it occurred to her that Hayley should be more on her mind, and her face sombred a little. 'Considering...'

'I know what you mean,' he replied, transferring the fried breakfast to the plate. 'I slept quite well too, but I feel like I shouldn't have.'

He handed her the plate, keeping intimate eye contact with her.

'I understand,' said Jac, taking the offered plate. 'I feel it too.'

He had no idea how true that was.

As they tucked into their breakfast in a comfortable silence, Joseph said, 'I wish I could offer something a little more elegant than a fried breakfast...'

'Oh no,' said Jac. 'It's fine. Exactly what I needed, it feels like it has been forever since I've eaten something.'

'This is the first time I've seen you eat and look like you want to eat,' said Joseph with a tone of belief. 'I had to practically force feed you that pasta last night.'

'I hardly remember eating it,' said Jac, carrying on cutting her sausage.

Once she had finished, she sighed in content. 'I'd forgotten how amazing a chef you are!'

'It's a fried breakfast,' replied Joseph, trying to shrug it off in modesty.

'You underestimate yourself,' said Jac. 'Fried breakfast, roast dinner, homemade ravioli, soufflé, you do it all. You're the complete package.'

'Why thank you,' he replied, pretending to be arrogant.

They finished their food in relative silence broken up with small talk. As Joseph cleared the plates away, he said, 'Jac?'

'What is it?' she asked gently, getting up and walking over to him.

'What do you think about getting Hayley christened?' asked Joseph.

'Why would we want to do that?' replied Jac.

'I've been praying,' said Joseph. 'For Hayley. I was brought up to be religious but it never really stuck, but I still hoped that God would listen. I think that it would be a good idea, in case the worse does happen...'

'We want the best for Hayley in death as well as life,' said Jac sadly. 'It's a difficult thing to think of, but you're right. We want God to look after her either way, and this I think is the best way to do it. We can talk to the consultant or the nurses to see if there's a chaplin that will perform the service, and we can asked Aisling and Patrick to come.'

'It'll be nice,' said Joseph, rhythmically cleaning the dishes a little more than required.

'Is your OCD worse?' asked Jac in concern, noting his behaviour.

'It's nothing,' he replied. 'It just happens when I'm anxious, angry or upset.'

'Which are you?' she asked.

'All of them,' replied Joseph honestly. 'Anxious because I have no idea what will happen, upset because I know what could happen, and angry at myself for not being there!'

'It's not your fault,' said Jac soothingly, rubbing his back. 'It's not...I'll put on the radio, perhaps it will lift our spirits.

She switched the radio on to hear part of a song that she wished she didn't have to hear.

_**Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone  
In a world that she can't rise above  
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place  
Where she's loved concrete angel**_

Somebody cries in the middle of the night  
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light  
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate  
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone  
In a world that she can't rise above  
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place  
Where she's loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place  
An angel girl with an upturned face  
A name is written on a polished rock  
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone  
In a world that she can't rise above  
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place  
Where she's loved concrete angel

Pursing her lips, she turned off the radio and said, 'Maybe not...'

Why did the radio do that every single time?


	22. Chapter 22

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

'_What do you think about getting Hayley christened?' asked Joseph._

'_Why would we want to do that?' replied Jac._

'_I've been praying,' said Joseph. 'For Hayley. I was brought up to be religious but it never really stuck, but I still hoped that God would listen. I think that it would be a good idea, in case the worse does happen...'_

'_We want the best for Hayley in death as well as life,' said Jac sadly. 'It's a difficult thing to think of, but you're right. We want God to look after her either way, and this I think is the best way to do it. We can talk to the consultant or the nurses to see if there's a chaplin that will perform the service, and we can asked Aisling and Patrick to come.'_

'_It'll be nice,' said Joseph, rhythmically cleaning the dishes a little more than required._

After breakfast, both Jac and Joseph began to get ready for the day.

Tying her shoelaces, Jac said, 'I'm going to go and see Aisling, Patrick and Fin in a minute, do you want to tag along?'

'Sure,' said Joseph, reaching for his shoes.

'I'm going to ask them to be there, at the christening,' said Jac quietly. 'They've been so good to me, and they adore Hayley. Someone else should be there apart from us, to be godparents to her.'

'I agree,' replied Joseph. 'When were you thinking of having the ceremony?'

'I spoke to the ward sister at the ward where they have Hayley, there's a hospital chaplin that can do the ceremony at 3pm today,' she said quietly.

'That's good,' Joseph replied softly. 'Shall we go?'

'Yeah,' she answered, standing up.

She led him out of the cottage and towards the one that Aisling and Patrick shared with Fin. Standing in the open doorway, she knocked quietly.

'Jac!' exclaimed Fin, seeing Jac and immediately running to her, hugging her tightly.

'What a lovely welcome!' replied Jac.

'Thank you,' said Fin. 'Daddddd! Gran! Jac's here!'

'Okay love,' they replied in unison, coming in from the kitchen.

Both of them hugged Jac and took a step back as if to examine her, to see how well she looked.

'You look a lot better love,' said Aisling softly.

'Thanks,' said Jac. 'It really helps having Joe here...'

'We're here to ask you something,' said Joseph.

'Yes, we are,' said Jac.

'Go ahead,' said Patrick.

'Aye,' said Aisling. 'Anything love, within reason.'

'We're going to have Hayley christened,' said Jac gently. 'We're doing it because we want the best for her in possible death as well as life. We want God to look after her. We'd like the three of you to be there for the ceremony, and if you and Patrick would be Hayley's godparents?'

'Of course love,' exclaimed Aisling, hugging Jac once more. 'It would be an honour to be Hayley's spiritual guardian.'

'Aye,' replied Patrick. 'Hayley's a special child, blessed to have such loving Christian parents.'

Jac didn't want to correct him, she thought that it would seem rude. Although Joe was essentially Christian, and Jac had thought of practicing as one, it was not a central part of their lives in the way it would be to devoutly Catholic Aisling and Patrick.

'When were you thinking of having the ceremony?' asked Aisling.

'The hospital chaplin said that he could perform the ceremony at 3pm today, so in 5 hours,' said Jac.

'We'll be there,' declared Patrick.

'It means so much to us,' said Joseph. 'I know how much you've helped Jac during the pregnancy, I owe you a debt of gratitude.'

'Ah love, it was nothing,' replied Aisling. 'Jac's a special person, so kind and caring...It's a privilege to know her.'

'Agreed,' said Patrick and Joseph in unison, smiling once they had realised.

'Shall we meet here at 2:30 all ready for the baptism?' asked Aisling.

'Yeah,' replied Joseph. 'That sounds good.'

'Jac,' said Aisling. 'I have something to show you. Will you come with me?'

'Sure,' replied Jac. 'I'll be back in a moment Joe.'

'That's fine,' said Joseph. 'Fin's gesturing to me to come over and see his model cars. Perhaps Patrick could join us.'

'Aye,' replied Patrick, leading the way into the sitting room.

Jac followed Aisling towards the back of the house to a small storage room. Turning on the light, Aisling lifted out a small box and sat down at the table. Opening the box, she pulled out a small white shawl made of lace and handed it to Jac.

'This was the shawl that my daughter Cadhla wore at her christening when she was a bairn. It would please me greatly if you used it for Hayley's,' said Aisling quietly.

'Did Cadhla not wear a gown?' asked Jac.

'No,' she replied. 'She had the same problem that your Hayley has now. Too many tubes and machines to disattach her long enough to put a gown on her. So we put this shawl over her like a blanket and we prayed to God for mercy at the baptism. She lived...'

Wiping a tear from her eye, Jac said, 'Thank you. It means a lot to me.'

'I know you're doubting if Hayley will survive, but trust in God and trust in Hayley. She's a strong lass,' said Aisling reassuringly.

'Thank you,' repeated Jac. 'You have no idea how much this means to me...'

'And here is an old Irish baptism blessing that we used,' said Aisling, handing her a piece of delicate, ornate paper.

As Jac read it, she said, 'It's beautiful. That's exactly what I want for her...Will you read it out at the ceremony for her?'

'I would be honoured,' replied Aisling.


	23. Chapter 23

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

_**Here's the deal...I am going on holiday in a week, and won't be back until August 5**__**th**__**. So this is the last post you'll see for a while from me. I am planning on updating all of my fics at least once before I go.**_

_Jac followed Aisling towards the back of the house to a small storage room. Turning on the light, Aisling lifted out a small box and sat down at the table. Opening the box, she pulled out a small white shawl made of lace and handed it to Jac._

'_This was the shawl that my daughter Cadhla wore at her christening when she was a bairn. It would please me greatly if you used it for Hayley's,' said Aisling quietly._

'_Did Cadhla not wear a gown?' asked Jac._

'_No,' she replied. 'She had the same problem that your Hayley has now. Too many tubes and machines to disattach her long enough to put a gown on her. So we put this shawl over her like a blanket and we prayed to God for mercy at the baptism. She lived...'_

_Wiping a tear from her eye, Jac said, 'Thank you. It means a lot to me.'_

'_I know you're doubting if Hayley will survive, but trust in God and trust in Hayley. She's a strong lass,' said Aisling reassuringly._

'_Thank you,' repeated Jac. 'You have no idea how much this means to me...'_

'_And here is an old Irish baptism blessing that we used,' said Aisling, handing her a piece of delicate, ornate paper._

_As Jac read it, she said, 'It's beautiful. That's exactly what I want for her...Will you read it out at the ceremony for her?'_

'_I would be honoured,' replied Aisling._

They arrived at the hospital just before 3pm, dressed smartly in preparation for Hayley's christening.

'We'll wait outside and the two of you can pop in to see Hayley,' said Aisling to Jac and Joseph.

'Okay,' said Jac, taking Joseph by the hand and leading him into the special care baby unit to visit Hayley. They had no problem finding her this time, for the teddy bear that Jac had placed on top of the incubator had remained to be the identifier.

Sliding into the seat beside Hayley, with Joseph standing behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders and giving them a reassuring squeeze, Jac gave a feebly small smile. She opened the incubator panels and slid her hand in once more, in her newly acquired routine, and gently stroked her daughter's face and held her tiny hand.

'She looks so much like you,' remarked Joseph, leaning into Jac and looking over her shoulder at his perfect angel. 'The eyes, the beautiful green eyes that you share, they're perfect.'

'She has a lot of you in her as well,' replied Jac. 'She certainly didn't get that head of dark hair and the cute little nose from me.'

'You think I have a cute nose?' asked Joseph.

'Everything about you is cute,' said Jac with a smile.

A silence descended upon them as Jac contemplated what she had just said. Had she pushed their recovering relationship too far?

Joseph's eyes glimpsed the chaplain in the corner of the room, prayer book in his hand.

'Jac,' he said quietly. 'Father Kelly is here.'

Looking up, Jac removed her hand, kissed it gently, placed it back in to place it on her cheek, then withdrew her hand from the incubator and shut the panels.

'Could you go and get the others for me?' asked Jac quietly.

'Of course,' said Joseph, leaving the room and returning a few minutes later with Aisling, Patrick and Fin.

As they passed the chaplain, Joseph said, 'Father Kelly, we are ready for you now.'

'Okay,' replied the priest gently, following them over to the incubator.

'I wrapped the shawl around her,' said Jac quietly.

'Right,' said Father Kelly. 'Let's begin. Who shall be the godparents of this child and what is her full given name?'

'Aisling and Patrick Calgary are to be her godparents and her full name is Hayley Sienna Grace Naylor-Byrne,' said Jac.

'So be it,' replied Father Kelly. 'Godparents, do you reject Satan?'

Aisling and Patrick replied, 'I do.'

'And all his works?'

'I do,' they replied.

'And all his empty promises?'

'I do,' they replied.

'In the name of the father, and of the son, and the holy spirit, I baptise you, Hayley Sienna Grace Naylor-Byrne into the Catholic Church,' he said, marking the cross on Hayley's head. 'Does anyone have a reading?'

'Aye, I do,' said Aisling, taking out the piece of paper and beginning to read.

_**Dearest Father in Heaven,  
Bless this child and bless this day  
Of new beginnings.  
Smile upon this child  
And surround this child, Lord,  
With the soft mantle of your love.  
Teach this child to follow in your footsteps,  
And to live life in the ways of  
Love, faith, hope and charity.**_

_**An Irish Blessing  
For Your Baptism Day  
May God grant you always  
A sunbeam to warm you  
A moonbeam to charm you  
A sheltering angel so nothing can harm you  
Laughter to cheer you  
Faithful friends near you  
And whenever you pray  
Heaven to hear you.**_

_**An Irish Blessing  
For Your Baptism Day  
May the road rise to meet you,  
may the wind be always at your back,  
may the sun shine warm upon your face,  
the rains fall soft upon your fields and,  
until we meet again,  
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.  
Mol an ige agus tiocfaidh s.**_

'Amen,' they all said in unison, bowing their heads.

'Welcome to the Church Hayley,' said Patrick.


	24. Chapter 24

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

'_Amen,' they all said in unison, bowing their heads._

'_Welcome to the Church Hayley,' said Patrick._

Aisling, Patrick and Fin left the room, and Joseph and Jac sat by Hayley's side, just watching her.

'She'll have the best now,' said Joseph reassuringly. 'No matter what happens.'

'Yeah,' replied Jac softly.

The matron, a stern and overweight woman, came into the room and said, 'Visit's over, time to leave.'

'Okay,' said Jac quietly, ignoring the woman's brash tone and getting up, taking Joseph's hand and leaving the room.

'What an awful woman,' remarked Joseph.

'Yeah,' she replied.

'Want to go for a walk?' he asked. 'It's a nice day, we can walk through the hospital gardens.'

'Sure,' she replied.

As they walked, Joseph said, 'Are you okay? You haven't said more than a single word at a time since the christening.'

'Yeah I'm fine,' said Jac, brushing it aside.

'No you're not,' stated Joseph. 'You know you can tell me right? Anything that's on your mind, I won't judge.'

'I'm just worried Joe,' she said softly. 'I'm so worried that Hayley won't be okay. I'm worried that if or when Hayley's out of the woods, you'll lose interest and go back to Faye. I'm worried that if she dies, you'll just leave me to grieve by myself. And if she lives, you'll resent us for ruining your marriage. I'm just so worried about everything that I can't think straight.'

Joseph could see the tears pricking her eyes, and he could tell by the strongly evident emotional pain in her voice that her mind, heart and soul were full of worry. He knew that her worries were well founded, but he wanted to reassure her categorically that it wouldn't happen.

'Hey, hey, hey,' he replied, stopping walking and taking her into his arms. 'Nothing like that will ever happen. Hayley will be okay, she's half of me and half of you, which makes her a fighter. I won't lose interest in either of you, because Hayley's my daughter, and you are the love of my life, my soul mate, the one who understands me like I understand you. If the worse happens, I wouldn't leave you by yourself, we'll get through it together. And how could I resent you for breaking up Faye and I when it was an unhappy marriage from the very beginning? She kissed Linden, my best man, on the day of the wedding. No doubt the two of them are shacked up together now. Please don't worry so much, especially about me leaving. Because I swear to you that only my death could prise me away from you and Hayley. I love you Jac, I love you both with my heart, body and my soul.'

Sniffing slightly, Jac said, 'Thank you for reassuring me. It means so much to me, what you just said.'

'And it's all true Jac, every single word,' promised Joseph, taking her hand and carrying on walking.

After a few minutes of silence as they walked, Jac said, 'This garden is so beautiful isn't it?'

'Yeah,' replied Joseph, taking in his surroundings. 'We should take Hayley for a walk out here when she's better, I'm sure she'd love it.'

'We should,' said Jac with a smile. 'All of the flowers, the trees, the birds and the clear blue sky. You couldn't find natural beauty like this in Holby.'

'No, probably not,' said Joseph. 'That's the problem of living in the city.'

'Will we ever go back?' asked Jac. 'To Holby?'

'I'm sure that at some point we will,' said Joseph. 'Whether we decide to stay there is another matter, but obviously at some point we'll have to go back and organise everything.'

'I think I want to go back to live in Holby, eventually,' replied Jac. 'Although I complained about not making consultant, I did enjoy my job...'

'So did I,' he replied softly.

'It might be awkward with Faye and Linden though,' she said after some thought.

'It might not be,' said Joseph. 'They wanted to be together, we wanted to be together, and now we have our wishes. We can sit down, discuss it like adults and move on, I hope.'

'I hope too,' she replied.

They found a bench close by to the garden and sat in relative silence, Jac softly humming.

'What are you humming?' he asked.

'Dream On Hayley by James Morrison,' she replied quietly. 'I heard it on the radio ages ago, that's how I named her. I loved the song so much that I wanted to call her Hayley.'

'Can't say I've heard the song,' said Joseph. 'Will you sing it to me?'

'Okay,' she said meekly.

_**Some people sleep easy, some people don't  
Seeking the light on start to feel so alone  
Some people make it better, some make it worse  
You thought he held you lightly, yeah he got you where it hurts  
You're not the one, you're not the one to blame**_

Dream on Hayley  
Don't look down, there's nothing here for you to see  
Dream on Hayley  
You're just about there, don't give so up so easily  
Dream on Hayley  
If you don't feel love, dreaming is the way to go  
I know, I know, I know

Some people trust too much, sometimes that's you  
Shouldn't be a bad thing, it's more than I could do  
So much disappointment over the years  
You're willing to love completely, but it always ends in tears  
You're not mad, not so mad, to me

Dream on Hayley  
Don't look down, there's nothing here for you to see  
Dream on Hayley  
You're just about there, don't give so up so easily  
Dream on Hayley  
If you don't feel love, dreaming is the way to go  
Dream on, dream on  
I can't keep dreaming on  
Gotta keep dreaming on  
Dream on Hayley  
Dream on Hayley  
Dream on Hayley  
Dream on Hayley  
Don't look down, there's nothing here for you to see  
Dream on Hayley  
You're just about there, don't give so up so easily  
Dream on Hayley  
If you don't feel love, dreaming is the way to go  
Way to go, way to go, way to go, way to go, way to go

'It is a beautiful song,' agreed Joseph. 'You sing it so beautifully.'

'Thank you,' she said quietly. 'But I'm not the greatest singer.'

'You're so modest,' said Joseph. 'You are an amazing woman Jac!'

'Stop it,' she said with a smile. 'You're making me blush.'

'How about I declare to you right now, that you, Jacqueline Naylor are my soul mate, the most beautiful woman in the world and the mother of my child. I love you with all that I am,' he declared loudly.

'Stop it,' she replied whilst laughing.

'Kiss me then,' he said. 'Perhaps I'll shut up for a while.'

Wrapping her arms around him, she kissed him with all the fire, passion and love that had been mounting up within her for what seemed like an eternity, not even letting breathlessness stop her from doing it over and over again.


	25. Chapter 25

Hayley...

**It hurt her to do it, but she felt like she had no choice. She couldn't ruin his marriage, even if not telling him the truth would cost her happiness.**

Hi guys, this is going to be the first of a few epilogues I think. Hope you have enjoyed the fic, I have certainly loved writing it.

_'Stop it,' she replied whilst laughing._

_'Kiss me then,' he said. 'Perhaps I'll shut up for a while.'_

_Wrapping her arms around him, she kissed him with all the fire, passion and love that had been mounting up within her for what seemed like an eternity, not even letting breathlessness stop her from doing it over and over again._

'Here we are,' said Joseph, peering out of the window to glimpse the city lights once more.

'Yeah,' said Jac. 'It's so busy, almost makes you miss Ireland...'

'We'll always have a special connection to Ireland,' said Joseph. 'We were out there for so long that we had to register Hayley's birth, so technically she's Irish. I think we'll go back there often, to visit Hayley's birthplace and so that she can be in contact with her godparents.'

'Aisling made me promise before we left that we'd keep in contact and send photos,' said Jac. 'They really were so kind to me, even from the very beginning when they hardly knew me. I owe them a lot...'

'I'm so grateful to them for looking after you when I didn't,' said Joseph, gently caressing her hand.

'You weren't to know,' said Jac softly. 'I should've told you.'

'We're past that now,' said Joseph reassuringly. 'Now it's just the three of us and our future that matters. The past is in the past...'

'Wise words,' said Jac, interrupted by a little squeak from the backseat.

'She's awake,' said Joseph softly, his face lighting up as he got out of the car and went to tend to her. Jac followed him, and looked over his shoulder at their barely awake angel.

'She's beautiful,' said Jac, reaching her hand in to stroke Hayley's cheek. 'She's 2 months old, but she's so tiny still, almost like a newborn.'

'She's been through a lot,' said Joseph. 'But our little angel came out fighting.'

'Yeah,' said Jac. 'She did...'

'Let's get inside,' said Joseph, lifting up Hayley's car seat and carrying her inside. 'I'll go out and get the suitcases in a little while...'

'There's so much to organise,' said Jac. 'Hayley needs a nursery, we need to move my stuff in, and then there's the matter of telling your mother and sister.'

'Tell us what?' demanded Sophia and Anne Marie Byrne from the living room.

'Mother? Sophia?' asked Joseph. 'What are you doing here?'

'We heard you were coming home today,' said Sophia. 'We thought we would fill up the fridge, clean up a bit.'

'We had no idea that you'd be coming home with Jac and a child!' exclaimed Anne Marie.

'She has a name,' said Joseph. 'Hayley.'

'Are you telling me that she's yours?' asked Anne Marie.

'Of course she's mine,' said Joseph.

'What about Faye?' asked Sophia.

'Faye kissed Linden on our wedding day,' said Joseph. 'We're over...We both love other people. I love Jac, and she loves Linden. I haven't had a chance to talk to them properly yet, but I think we can all behave like adults here.'

'This is Jac!' said Anne Marie. 'The woman who betrayed you, who slept with your own father.'

'I'm well aware of that mother,' said Joseph in annoyance. 'But Jac has changed. We conceived Hayley by accident, but now that she's here, we're both changed people. We were out in Ireland for so long because Hayley nearly died. Look at her, she looks like a newborn, but she's 2 months old. Jac and I understand each other more than anyone else, and we love each other. So we're going to live in this house together, or move away and buy a new one, and raise our daughter together. You never know, we may have more children in the future, and we'll probably get married. Now, you can remain on your high horse and look down on her and us, or you can welcome Jac into your lives along with Hayley and you'll actually get to see your granddaughter/niece. It's your choice.'

'Hayley is family,' said Sophia. 'Mother, we really should try to put our grudges behind us. Jac after all is Hayley's mother, and there's something about her that seems different. She doesn't seem as cold as she used to be, she's softened a lot.'

'I don't know if I can forgive her,' said Anne Marie. 'I'm sorry.'

Getting up, Anne Marie left the room with perturbation on her face.

'She'll come around in time,' said Sophia gently. 'You know what she's like, just let her think things over.'

'I guess I'll have to,' said Joseph.

Standing up, Sophia moved over to Joseph and said, 'I'll leave the two of you alone to settle in. I'm happy for you little brother.'

Hugging her close, Joseph said, 'Thank you Sophia, it means a lot to me.'


End file.
